The Middle of July
by doctorqueen
Summary: You are Equius Zahhak, you are strong, strict, and unliked by others. It wasn't always like this; you use to be fun and friendly, but the male population told you that you were weak and girly. You didn't like that. You started working out, you got stronger and you stopped talking to girls, although then no one wanted to even talk to you (image credit: Ikimaru ).
1. Longer Summary

You are Equius Zahhak, you are strong, strict, and unliked by others. It wasn't always like this; you use to be fun and friendly, but the male population told you that you were weak and girly. You didn't like that. You started working out, you got stronger and you stopped talking to girls, although then you started to have a perspiration problem. Everyone really didn't want to get to know you or even be near you because of it. You hated yourself, but you also didn't. You knew a day would come were all of these problems wouldn't matter and you would have friends, but until then, you were fine with just hating yourself.

Around the time you started middle school, you met a girl name Nepeta. She talked to you first and it was clear of that, since you never bothered talking to anyone. She was nice and friendly and _had friends._

You didn't know why she was wasting her time on you, but you were just happy to have someone to talk to. You figured that she would forget about you after seventh grade, but she didn't for some reason. You kept in touch during the summer and hung out then, too. _It felt so nice._

When you two started high school, you were best friends. You never thought someone could be your best friend or even like you again, but here stood an amazing, beautiful, cat obsessed, young lady who did. You two only had gym and lunch together, which was okay for you. The rest of the day you didn't talk unless called on by a teacher. You two talked a lot after school and by the time the first year of high school was over, she saw you cry for the first time. You never thought someone would see you like that, but you also never realized how much you missed having friends and being with people who admired you; you were apologizing and telling her about how much you missed having friends. A few weeks after that day she invited you to a party. You almost said no and left it at that, but you didn't and honestly, you were so happy you went. That party changed your life.


	2. Chapter 1

"Nepeta," You spoke strongly, you were nervous. You really wished the party wasn't a pool party and you also wished it wasn't the hottest day of the year.

"What is it?" She looked over at you for a moment before back at the paper she held that had directions to the party. She was wearing a bikini, which you told her not to, but she didn't listen to you. She had shorts on but they were very short, you wished she wore a shirt; she was so exposed. You were worried for her of course, you were always worried about her.

"I-I don't think this was a good idea," You knew you didn't know anyone at the party, even if you weren't there yet. Nepeta only talked about a few people and that was it; you knew if she left you, people would talk _about you._

"Of course it was, Equius! Don't worry you'll have fun!" She said before smiling, grabbing your hand and dragging you to the house that held the party. You decided not to argue with her, she would only get upset and leave you during the party. You didn't want anything to go wrong.

"Hey Nepeta... and um Equius, I think?" A small child asked as the both of you got to the door, your eyes widened behind your shades. You didn't think anyone knew your name or even noticed you.

"Yes, it's Equius." You said as you tried to think of his name, your eyes dragged Nepeta for a moment, she looked happy and you didn't know. You should have paid attention to at least one person in your classes.

"Alright, I see you came fucking prepared to swim. Is that lump of sweat going to swim too or what?" _Oh, that hurt._ You cleared your throat, before looking down at him.

"No, I wasn't planning on it but I did bring a suit just in case." You spoke without hesitation, he had no right to call you a 'lump of sweat,' you made sure that you brought an extra towel in case you really started to sweat. You weren't even going to swim, but Nepeta told you to and you listened to her as she listens to you. You did get a bit controlling at times, but she didn't leave and you figured that's why you did it so much.

You and Nepeta were finally let into the house and lead to the back yard, it was a nice place. A pool and a deck; the pool was not in ground like you had thought, but you didn't really want to swim anyway, so it didn't matter to you. Once the small boy left, you quickly asked her who he was; Karkat Vantas. You believe that she told you about her little crush on him, you told her that she should just get over it; she yelled at you.

"Hey Asshole, I'll show you the bathroom in a second," Vantas called out to you. and you could feel yourself start to hate him, you didn't ask for the bathroom; why was he showing you the bathroom?

"Fine," Nepeta gave you a smile and you did not return, your teeth were cracked and ugly; you have been told several times not to smile, even in school pictures. Vantas soon walked over to you and looked at you for a moment. He was handsome, his hair stayed out of his face enough to show his hazel, almost red eyes. You were surprised by the color, but it really didn't matter, this was probably going to be the only time you talked to him.

"This way, shit head." What did you ever do to this guy to make him hate you _so much,_ you thought. You don't even remember this guy, was he in a class you had? He must have been, he knew your name.

"You could be nicer," You state.

"You could take off your shirt," He said, turning, giving you a small wink. You stiffen at his words, and great, you were sweating.

"E-excuse me?" You stutter out as you stop walking, he turned to you and you _thought_ you saw a hint of blush on his cheek but you were unsure. Why would he anyway?

"Oh, Nepeta fucking talks about you sometimes for no damn reason, she said that you have nice abs." He said, biting his lip lightly. Great, him biting his lip probably meant something important. You would have to ask Nepeta later.

"I didn't know she talked about me," you said before raising your shirt to show off your abs, he stared for a moment before turning and continuing to walk.

"I don't hear a lot about you but when she does it's pretty good, nothing too bad." He stated as you nodded a little to yourself.

"Well that's good, I wouldn't want my best friend to talk poorly of me." You mumble to yourself before looking at him, he had stopped at a door.

"Here," he said before moving to go back outside, you went in the small bathroom and changed, you didn't like the way your body looked or anything about it. You were ugly and you knew it was going to stay that way. You shook your head and left the bathroom, Nepeta told you not to think in detail about your imperfections and most of the time you didn't think of them at all; you didn't get depressed as easily now.

Once you were back outside you stayed with Nepeta, she talked to you, Pyrope, and Vantas. She was really enjoying herself and you weren't. She kept talking to you and everyone else. Anytime you stopped talking to her and just sat down alone, she made a point to bring you over into the conversation. You realized that she was trying to make it so you were having a good time, but it wasn't working. You wanted to leave.

"You could at least try to have fun," Pyrope said as-

"Equius!" Your head flicked towards the voice who called you. Vantas.

"What?" You asked as you approached the small grumpy teen in the pool, he was hanging off the side, with a small smile on his face.

"Come in the pool," You raise a brow at his request.

"Why?"

"Just get in the fucking pool."

"No."

"Fucking do it."

"Ask nicely."

"Get in the pool now."

You realized that you weren't going to be good friends with him.


	3. Chapter 2

You were bored, Vantas finally got you in the pool and you were just standing on the side, he wasn't wearing a shirt now, like you. You guessed that he was staring at you in amazement but you were still unsure, he didn't have an impressive chest like you did, but you weren't going to talk about it with him. He seemed rather rude and you didn't understand why Nepeta was friends with such a crude person, you weren't going to question her until later. You noticed that he didn't smile that much, but you were kind of happy, he had braces and you could tell that he had them just put on because his teeth were very crude. He would stare at you for a moment or two before Terezi distracted him and he barked something at her while she just laughed. You could never do that, yell at people or be yelled at, it was something that wasn't much fun to hear and it was very aggressive; nothing you wanted to hear, ever.

"Are you having fun?" Nepeta asked as you looked over at her, giving her a stern look.

"No, I want to leave." You stated and she frowned. She wanted you to have fun but you honestly found this a waste of time.

"Awe, come Equius. You haven't even bothered to talk to anyone," She said pouting slightly. She wasn't wrong. You really only talked to Nepeta.

"Well i don't find anyone trying to talk to me," you stated as she rolled her eyes.

"Karkat."

"Vantas? What about him?" You raised a brow at her before turning your head to look at him, he was already looking at you, you didn't know if it was because he heard his name or not, but you really didn't want to know.

"He has tried a few times," she noted as you shook your head.

"I don't like him," You told her, she frowned and looked at him for a moment before looking back at you.

"Why?"

"Well for one-" you were cut off, you didn't care all that much, you would just tell her later if you didn't forget.

"What's up, motherfuckers?" A tall lanky long haired druggie said as he enter the pool, still fully dressed.

"You're late, Gamzee!" Karkat yelled before Gamzee shrugged. Why didn't he mention the fact that the druggie was going in fully dressed? It would be different if he was wearing shorts and a tank top, but that was not the situation, he wore a t-shirt and polka-dots sweat pants.

Karkat kept glancing at you and you thought he was a bit nervous, why? You wished you understood why people were like this. You sighed as Nepeta looked at you.

"You're still not having fun," she asked as you nodded, nothing happened for you to start having fun in the first place. Gamzee turned to you and lazily walked/swam over to you, draping an arm around you, leaning in close.

"Don't worry, motherfucker. I'll show you a good time," he whispered in your ear which made your eyes widen. He kissed at your neck before you pushed him away, everyone was looking at you two now, you didn't know what was worse, the factor that everyone was looking at you or that you had that _clown's_ slobber on your neck.

"I-I'm not gay!" You honestly didn't know, you never noticed anyone before and you didn't know if you liked girls as well; you were simply unsure of yourself and you found that okay. You didn't think that there was some rush to find out if you like girls or guys, you knew that it was fine and you weren't going to force your mind to work to figure it out; you were just going to like someone and if it happen to be a guy, then you were gay, you found it no big deal.

"Awe man, you would have been some fine to work with in bed," you blushed at his comment before he turned to Karkat. You sighed as he left you alone, Nepeta moved to kiss you on the cheek.

"Sorry about him," She said before going and talking to Terezi. You were so bothered with being here and you really wished you could leave.

A few hours passed and you became even more unhappy, Eridan Ampora showed up. He kept glancing at you and everytime he did you would move, you hated him and he made you uncomfortable. He was rude to you and you didn't understand why _._ You honestly hated every class you had with him and you dreaded going to them. You were happy school was over because of that but you knew there was a chance that he would be in your classes again and you hated that thought. He brought a girl with him, Feferi Peixes or she brought him; you would like to think that Vantas wasn't in contact with such a crude person. Kayana Maryam showed up and you thought she was nice, you never really talked to her, but still you greeted her and she greeted back. When you weren't talking to Nepeta, you would talk to her. Sometimes she was with Vantas and you then stood alone for those moments, you really thought he was loud and rude.

"Are you going to eat?" Vantas asked, You jumped when you heard him and realized that he was talking to you, why did he bother with you? You shook your head before speaking.

"No."

"Why not?" He asked, now pestering.

"Because I don't eat meat," you look down at him and he was looking at you, trying to make eye contact but because of your shades, it made that very hard. He kept it for as long as you could before you started to feel uncomfortable and sweat.

"I could make you something, or Aradia could-" your eyes slowly widen, you didn't know she was here. Oh god, that made you sweat more. You peered around for a moment before you saw her, she looked lovely and she had her hair up and was wearing a lovely bikini, shoot. You bit your lip lightly before excusing yourself and went to the bathroom, you didn't know she would be there. You looked at yourself in the mirror, putting your long hair back in a ponytail. Your hair only went a little past your shoulders but you found it long. You removed your shades and splashed water on your face, you hated your eyes; they were an icey blue. People use to make fun of you for having long hair and girly eyes, however, you refused to get rid of your long hair, instead, you wore shades to hide your ugly eyes. You looked at your shades and sighed, you needed new shades, these were cracked and old but you had them for so long that these felt… like home. You dried your face before stepping out of the bathroom and going outside once again. Aradia, she was still there. You figured that you should tell her about your feelings.

"Equius!" Nepeta called as she quickly grabbed your wrist and dragged you towards Aradia. Nepeta knew about your feelings towards her, when you broke down at the end of last year you talked about how you wanted someone to love you and as you think back on it, you found yourself foolish to think something like that; you don't need anyone.

"Aradia says she wants to tell you something," she gave you a bright smile as you raised a brow at Aradia, she looked great, her bikini was red with black polka-dots. Her hair, tied up into a ponytail, just brushed her lower back; you tried your best not to look because every time before, your eyes would go lower. You swallowed hard.

"Well," she hasn't said anything important yet and you are already nervous, what if she said she never wanted to see you again. Wait, her lips are moving. Shoot, what is she saying. You clear your throat.

"W-what was that?" You somehow got that out of your mouth as she giggles at you.

"I wanted you to know if you were busy next Saturday." Your eyes widen as you open your mouth a few times trying to form a word or _something_. Okay, Equius clear your throat, words.

"N-not at all, why? Were you planning on doing something... w-with me?" She nods. You smile a little as you hold back your excitement, you didn't think she liked you at all or even noticed you.

"Great! It's a date," she said as she gave you a lovely, big smile, you wiggled your toes excitingly. This party wasn't so bad, you were being noticed and not in a bad way,l for once. She got a bit of food for herself before Nepeta came back and you gave her a light smile.

"Thank you," you said as you hugged her lightly, she gladly hugged you back as you hummed softly before pulling away.

After that, the party actually became fun for you, you mostly talked to Nepeta, Aradia, Maryam, and Vantas (although you really didn't want to). They played truth or dare and you had to kiss two people, Aradia and Vantas. You really didn't think it was appropriate to kiss either of them. It wasn't your first kiss, you had ask Nepeta what it was like to kiss someone and she kissed you, afterwards telling you that she didn't know. The first kiss was with Aradia, it was short and you enjoyed it; you didn't know if she liked but you would ask on Saturday. Vantas on the other hand was lengthy and... different, you felt something. It started as a normal kiss, lips on each other, but it soon turned into something more when he licked your lips and moved a hand around your neck, pulling you closer. You felt him being a bit needy as you opened your mouth, he explored your mouth, touching everywhere he could and by now you had opened your eyes and you tried to push him out, although he took that as playing back, you guessed. You didn't know, you were just trying to get him out. But then he got your tongue between his teeth and started sucking lightly. You then forced yourself away, you didn't know what that was but when you pulled away you knew he was upset, he was frowning.

After the party, you refused to talk about it; Nepeta didn't bother you too much about it.


	4. Chapter 3

You were excited to go to your date with Aradia, you didn't know how to dress; you asked Nepeta. She told you to just where your normal clothes, but it was a bit chilly, so you wore a black t-shirt and jeans. She told you to relax, but that was very hard to do. You feared that she would figure out that this was a just a mistake and that you really were a freak. You knew for a fact that she would figure it out at one point in time, but you were just happy that you finally got a chance with someone. No one ever really cared about you or your looks, so she must have thought something of you since she did ask you out. That was horribly overwhelming for you. You both decided to meet at the park, you got there only fifteen minutes early, it gave you time to think until she arrived. She wore a nice, pretty summer dress and she looked great and you felt very lucky to be on a date with her.

"H-hello," You muttered out as you gave her a weak smile.

"Hello, Equius," she smiled much bigger than you, but then again, she didn't have cracked teeth from holding your breath when people were making fun of you.

"D-did you plan something or..?" You asked, as she sat down next to you on the bench.

"Nope!" She laughed at herself a little, "I figured we should wing it." She said, as she took your hand in hers, intertwining your fingers; your hands were sweaty. You hoped she didn't mind.

"Did you want to talk about something first?" You asked as you remember the question you had for her. She thought for a moment before asking something.

"Are you gay?" You blinked a few times trying to comprehend where that question came from.

That kiss with Karkat.

"I'm not." Lies, you had figured out maybe half way through last week that you did enjoy the company of a male, as you thought about the kiss with both Karkat and her. "It was a dare, and he simply wouldn't let me back out." She nodded; she understood.

"Did you like it?" She asked and, honestly, after the whole thing was over, and you were home where no one would bother you, you masturbated to the thought of it. You enjoyed the thought that someone was needy for you, although you would never tell her that, ever. You thought it was foolish to even do the act without a partner.

"No," You lied, you weren't very good at it but you knew the factor that she probably couldn't tell.

"Well that's good, I really didn't want to have to lose my date to a guy," She said as she smiled at you and kissed your lips lightly, nothing too serious.

"Did you enjoy the kiss with, uh, me?" You asked as you played with the ring on your finger, you were crazy nervous about this date.

"Of course I did!" She kept that beautiful smile on her face and then she really kissed you, you happily kissed back, chirping softly. You felt so alive at the moment and so very happy because you were kissing someone who liked you; it felt like true heaven to know that someone even cared about you in a way that wasn't platonic. You daringly licked her lips and as she slowly opened her mouth, you felt so accomplished, you moved to lick at her tongue before she pulled away.

"W-what?" You were panting lightly and you found it foolish from such a small heated moment, if you could even call it that. She giggled a little at you as you tried to hide your panting.

"I think we should at least date first before we start making out," Your eyes widen behind your shades, she wanted to _date_ you. You could feel your stomach twist in you, this day was getting better and better, but shoot, when do you ask out girls? Vantas went out with Pyrope, right? You would ask him later, you would need to ask Nepeta for his Pester name.

"Well, would you like to get something to eat?" You asked, you remembered bring your wallet. You didn't want to have her pay for anything, it was nicer this way.

"Sure, Equius." she pecked your lips as you smiled and stood, she stood right after you, your hand still intertwined with hers'.

"Do you know anywhere near here?" You asked as you look down at her, she smiled and drug you to a small diner.

The date went fairly well, you thought. You liked spending that time with her and you were in no rush for anything too special. Nepeta asked you about it afterwards over Skype. She told you that the whole time you talked about her, you wouldn't stop smiling. You were really surprised that she even liked you and you couldn't get over that. You remembered you needed advice and quickly asked for Vantas' Pester, she gave you a confused looked before typing you a message with his Pester name.

It was maybe an hour after your Skype call, you Pester Vantas. It wasn't a very long until he asked you what you needed. The conversation went like this:

CT: D- I need dating advice.  
CG: SOMEONE WANTS TO DATE YOU?  
CT: D- Yes.  
CG: WELL *SINCE* I AM THE ROMANCE EXPERT, I WOULD SUGGEST GETTING THEM FLOWERS OR CHOCOLATE. I KNOW I WOULD LIKE THAT.  
CT: D- When do I ask them out again?  
CG: MOST PEOPLE WAIT THREE DAYS, BUT GIRLS DON'T REALLY LIKE THAT.  
CT: D- What would you suggest?  
CG: WELL, GO TO THEM ON THE SECOND DAY (THEIR HOUSE FYI DUMBASS), FLOWERS IN HAND (ROSES, ROSES ARE SO FUCKING ROMANTIC), TELL THEM THAT YOU HAD SUCH A FUN TIME WITH THEM AND YOU WANT TO CONTINUE SEEING THEM BUT AS MORE, LIKE AS YOUR BOYFRIEND.  
CG: *GIRLFRIEND  
CT: D- That sounds like a good plan.  
CG: I KNOW.  
CT: D- Is there anything I shouldn't do?  
CG: SWEAT.  
CT: D- Fiddlesticks.

The conversation did not hold any value to you afterwards, Vantas started to ask about who it was with and you gave him short and simple answers. You did not find him all that important, you needed him now and that was all.

You still thought about him at moments, about the kiss you both shared. You didn't know why you kept thinking of it, or why it even mattered to you. You touched your lips lightly, you thought about how he kissed you compared to Aradia, He was eager and almost thirsty for you, where Aradia was slow and patient; you did not know which one you liked more. You thought that you would like Aradia's more, since you have been flushed for her for a very long time, but there was something different with Vantas. You couldn't put your finger on it. You tried to keep it out of your head.

You were almost asleep when you heard your Pester go off, you grabbed your phone and checked it. Vantas.

CG: HEY, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.  
CT: D- What is it?  
CG: WELL, UH, GOD THIS SOUNDS REALLY FUCKING AWKWARD BUT  
CG: DO YOU REALLY LIKE ARADIA?  
CT: D- Yes. Why do you ask?  
CG: NO REASON.

You stared at the message for moments, why would he ask such a question? You thought it was odd for him to ask a question like that with no reasoning behind it.

CT: D- May I ask you something then?  
CG: SURE WHY THE FUCK NOT.  
CT: D- Why did you kiss me so… eagerly?

You went to bed waiting for an answer.


	5. Chapter 4

You decided to put a pin on Vantas' idea, you thought it would be better to go on another date with her, make sure she did actually like you. So you messaged her and set up a date, this one you planned; you figured something would go wrong but you were hoping for the best. You told her you would pick her up at four, there was a small diner down the road from her, which wasn't that far of a walk. It was more of a stop for people visiting but you didn't care and neither did she.

You got to her house a bit early and rang the doorbell. She looked lovely and you didn't know how you ever got the chance to be with her. She wore a flowy black dress with little orange skulls all over it, you never thought that skulls were cute, but they sure looked beautiful on her. You were wearing your normal attire: grey shorts, your striped tights, and your black tanktop. She was a little taller than usual, you noticed her heels.

"You look exquisite," you told her as you took her hand a kissed it softly, she blushed lightly along with you. She gave you a big smile before kissing your lips and intertwining your hands together. You smiled back at her although your hand felt a little uncomfortable, they weren't a perfect match, your hand was a bit sweaty and you knew she could tell, your palms pressed smiled down at her before kissing her lips. You two walked and talked, in the awkward pauses you would swing your hand back and forth, she would blush a bit before laughing, you guessed she liked something about that.

"So, what do you have planned?" She asked as you two turned the corner

"Well, I was thinking about going to the small diner down the road," you smiled at her before pulling a handkerchief out of your pocket and dabbing your forehead, you soon put it back in your pocket. She nodded, looking down before moving her free hand around your bicep. You blushed a bit before looking at her hand, you didn't mind of course; you liked it when people would touch your muscles, although most of the time you asked people to touch them and she was doing it on her own. Even if it was lightly, she was still touching.

"Your biceps are nice and hard, you must work out a lot," she said and you nodded. You were still shocked that she was touching your bicep and now squeezing it lightly. You started to sweat and this time it wasn't because of the heat. "Wow, this is really hard, you must really work out," she removed her hand from yours and starts to squeeze your bicep with both hands. You had now stopped walking. She seemed very happy just touching your arm before she looked up you and kissing your lips softly. You kissed back quickly, you liked the way she tasted a lot; a lot more than you thought you would. You felt her tug you towards a tree, she leaned against it as she massaged your muscle. She slipped her tongue in your mouth and you gasped softly; she giggled before you pushed her slightly against the tree. You weren't rough with her, you knew you could hurt her; that was the last thing you wanted. She bit at your bottom lip and you let out a soft sound, you had never heard yourself make such a noise. She giggled before sucking softly on your lip, you pushed at her a little wanting her to stop, her hand was still on your bicep and you were feeling a little… aroused. It wasn't like you minded or didn't want her, you had thought about her while being aroused and you thought it would be nice to explore that area with her, but as your pants started to become tight you decided it was time to stop kissing. You pulled away from her and she looked a bit sad to see you do such a thing.

"T-that was nice," you were panting a little and she nodded moving to kiss you again, you stopped her. "I dont think that is a good idea," she gave you a puzzled look before you both started to blush and she looked down at your pants.

"So…" she stated as you nodded before sighing. She moved closer, pressing her hips against yours and kissed you again. You did not kiss back. You did not want to do something so disgraceful in public. You pulled away again, she huffed.

"I do not want to do this here," you stated your discomfort. She whined a bit, pulling at your arm.

"No one is around! You'll be fine!" She said, her hand moving down to your waistline.

"I know that but-" you moaned softly as she rubbed your crotch, you pushed her then. It may have been a bit rough, but you told her your discomfort and she chose to ignore you. She gasped when she hit the tree behind her, you frowned at that. You did not mean to hurt her.

"I'm sorry..." She mumbled, rubbing the back of her head. You sometimes forgot your own strength.

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you so hard," you stated. You rubbed your arm awkwardly, you hurt someone important to you.

"I should go home and rest, I'm starting to get a headache.." She said and you nodded, now upset with yourself. You walked her home in silence.

Once you got home, you notified Nepeta of what happened and she seemed a bit shocked on the phone when you said that Aradia would have such a disgusting behaviour; it was unlike her, apparently. You two talked for another hour, you asked about Vantas and she got a bit quiet. She said he was fine and that she weren't in the mood to talk anymore, you knew that something had had to happen with him. You understood that you both had a bad day, but normally even if he upset her, she would still talk about it. You decided to message him, it was out of place, yes, but you need to know what happen now.

CT: D- Vantas.  
CG: OH, HEY EQUIUS  
CT: D- Nepeta said she talked to you.  
CG: UM…  
CT: D- She seemed upset, may I ask what happened?  
CG: SHE TOLD ME SHE LIKED ME  
CT: D- Oh dear, what did you say?  
CG: I WAS HONEST WITH HER.  
CT: D- And..?  
CG: I TOLD HER I LIKED SOMEONE ELSE  
CT: D- Did you say who?  
CG: WELL, I WASN'T GOING TO BUT IT SLIPPED OUT  
CT: D- Shoot.  
CT: D- I apologise for my crude language.  
CG: SERIOUSLY? THAT'S NOT EVEN A CURSE WORD.  
CT: D- Still.  
CG: OKAY, WHATEVER.  
CT: D- It is not whatever, it is important to keep welcoming language.  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU.  
CT: D- What?  
CG: YOU'RE FUCKING FUNNY.

You two somehow ended up talking for hours, you didn't know how it was possible. You barely liked the short teen, yet you didn't feel like you had to talk to him or even try and hold the conversation, it just went smoothly. You eventually told him you needed to go and said farewell. You were, for some reason, sad to say goodbye.

Next, you called Aradia and cleared things up with her, she kept saying sorry and you kept saying it as well. It was awkward for a bit but you explained yourself and you two talked it out. You believed that everything was okay between you two, at least, you hoped.


	6. Chapter 5

You let out a shaky sigh as you brushed your hair before putting it in a ponytail, you put on a dress shirt and a dark blue vest, dress pants and sneakers, it did not look well with the rest of your outfit, but you did not want to ruin your good decided that today was the day to listen to Vantas and go along with his plan, and yes, you know Vantas never said anything about how to dress, but you wanted to show her that you really cared. You had your brother, Horuss, pick up roses. You looked at yourself in the mirror before putting on a black tie, you thought you looked nice, once Horuss got home with the flowers you thanked him and went on your way, you were sweating and horribly nervous, but you somehow felt well about this. You decided today was the day to ask Aradia to be your girlfriend. You had been nervous for the past two days about this, but you couldn't help but smile when you were thinking about her reaction.

You were in front of her house, your palms were wet and uncomfortable as you held the pretty flowers, you slowly walked up to her doorstep. This was a big moment for you, this would be your first girlfriend, this person would be someone you got to spend time with that wanted to spend time with you, this person would be there for you in your darkest times. Someone who would listen to you and make you feel better in a way Nepeta couldn't (or so you heard). Someone you could kiss and cuddle and smuggle with gifts. Someone you could tell all your secrets to, someone who will be there for you. Someone who will be there after a nightmare. Someone who loves you with all their heart. You swallowed and stopped halfway, the curtains were open you saw her and Sollux Captor. They looked like they were having fun, maybe you should come back, you didn't want intrude on them, you looked at them for a moment more. You felt a little wet, and soon looked up to notice that it was starting to rain, shoot. You wished you had brought an umbrella or even checked the weather before coming out today. You looked back at them and dropped the flowers. Your heart broke at the sight, it would have been different if it was Captor kissing her but it wasn't, she had insinuated it. You frowned, you did not want to go home and talk to Nepeta, you did not want to be standing there, you wished you didn't see that. You went to the park, it was a bit away but you did not care right now.

And after an hour of walking, you arrived at the park and sat on a swing, you took your ponytail out and let your hair fall in your face. You could not believe you were so foolish to think that someone would like you. Maybe she did, but by her just seen actions, it shows that she did not like you enough to be with _just you_. You now wished that you had not gone to that party and put yourself out there. You felt so embarrassed and stupid. How could you even think that a girl that pretty would like someone as ugly as you. You were so disappointed, this was the only reason you were okay with not having friends, you never truly got hurt. You pulled out your phone and checked your messages, Nepeta texted you asking where you were, you didn't answer. For once, in the last two years, you did not want to talk to her. You wanted to talk to someone but not her. You signed onto Pester.

CT: D– Your plan was stupid.  
CG: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU MESS UP A PLAN AS SIMPLE AS THAT?

He was right, you did mess up such a simple plan. This really did prove how stupid you were, one simple thing like asking out a girl, and you could not do it.

You. Were. Horrible.

You didn't answer him for an hour, he left you a few messages.

CG: LIKE IT WAS SO FUCKING SIMPLE, I COULD EVEN DO IT.  
CG: ZAHHAK?  
CG: EQUIUS?  
CG: EQUIUS ARE YOU THERE?  
CT: D– I am here now.  
CG: I SENT THEM AN HOUR AGO, WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

You didn't feel like lying.

CT: D– Crying.  
CG: WELL I'M SO *SORRY* FOR DISTURBING YOUR BUSY LIFE  
CG: I GUESS I'M NOT THAT IMPORTANT FOR YOUR FANTASTIC LIFE  
CG: I'LL JUST GO-  
CG: WAIT DID YOU SAY YOU WERE CRYING.  
CT: D– Yes.  
CG: ARE YOU ALRIGHT?  
CT: D– No.  
CG: DO YOU NEED SOMEONE?  
CT: D– I don't know.  
CG: WELL, WHERE ARE YOU?  
CT: D– At the park, why?  
CG: I'LL BE THERE SOON.

You didn't understand, you swung slowly on the swing. You were tired and it was getting late, you should go home, you looked up seeing someone running into the park. You were puzzled about why someone would be running into a park in the rain. The boy slipped on the way, cursing loudly, at which point you had realized that it was Vantas; you sighed before pushing your hair out of your face as you stood. You walked over to him and gave him a hand, pulling him up. He got a bit of mud on your clothes, but you didn't care.

"Why are you here?" You asked staring down at him.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay," he said and you raised a brow at him.

"You did not need to come all the way here," you said, as he shook his head.

"How are you feeling? Do you need a hug?" He asked, as you quickly pulled him into a hug, maybe squeezing him a bit too tight, but you didn't care, you were so upset. You had your chance, yet you still weren't good enough.

"E-equius," you lightened your hug up, you could feel him being squished. He gasped when you softened your grip.

"Sorry." You mumbled, you rested your head on his. He was much smaller than you. You two stayed like that for a while, the rain didn't stop at all.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" he asked you as you looked at him, he stared up at you. You never thought you would be out in the pouring rain with someone you did not like, but then again, why would you contact him in this situation. Why him?

"Sure," he grabbed your hand and you two walked for awhile, hand in hand. It felt weird to you to hold someone's hand, fingers intertwined; even when you did it with a Aradia, it wasn't like this. His hands were so small compared to yours, his fingers thin and his palm a little sweaty… or maybe it was from the rain. You would rub your thumb against his; you could feel him shiver. You wished you had a jacket for him, if he was shivering, then he should really get inside before he got a cold. You looked down at him, there was a small amount of blush on his cheeks. Oh dear, he really was getting sick. "How much farther?" you asked, he looked up, his blush getting darker.

"N-not much farther until we get to my fucking house," he said before looking away. He scratched at his nose, you were concerned now, he was stuttering and scratching his nose, he really was getting sick, oh dear. You tried your best not to think about it as you looked down at your hand, still with his. You wondered why you didn't take your hand away yet, why you two were holding hands in the first place. You two were alone, it wasn't like you would lose him in the crowd or you needed this, you were fine without holding his hand and you wouldn't lose him, you were sure. You brushed your thumb against his once again, it was relaxing, you thought. "Um.. Equius?" He looked up at you again, blush still on his cheek as he tried to make eye contact with you.

"Yes?"

"Is there a reason you are staring at me?"


	7. Chapter 6

You blushed softly, your mouth now agape, you had not realized that you were staring at him, you looked away, you didn't have a reason. "M-my apologies," you said, now walking in awkward silence. It wasn't long until you two arrived at his house, he let go of your hand and you were a little sad at that; you didn't know why. He unlocked the door and you two entered, you were tired and you wanted a shower. You followed him upstairs to his room, you had never been in someone's room before…well, other than Nepeta, but that was after a year of being friends with her. He sighed moving to strip his clothes, you blushed.

"Sorry about the mess, my dad likes to come in here and screw my shit up," he had his shirt off and by now, his pants. You had just started to admire your worn out shoes.

"I-it's fine, " you mumbled. You could hear him sigh and by the time you worked up the courage to look up he was already dressed. You were relieved, so relieved. You did not want to see anything after this horrible day.

And you still had to talk to Aradia.

You looked at the small teen, he sat on his bed and powered up his laptop, he had a big shirt on and sweat pants.

"Vantas?" You asked a bit nervous but you need to ask this. You felt bad already for staring at him and now you were dripping on his floor.

"What, sweat bag?" You frowned at the name calling. You thought he liked you.

"I need dry clothes and a shower," you stated as he looked back at you, with how the night went you wanted to burn your clothes.

"Oh…" he stood and gave you boxers and a shirt, "im all out of pants so you'll just have to wear these. Don't worry I haven't worn them yet." You nodded before he lead you to the bathroom, and showed you how to work the shower and where the towels were. You always felt weird when showering in other people's houses.

After your shower you dried off and looked at yourself again and remembered why Aradia didn't like you. You knew now that the dates were only out of pity. You wished this didn't happen again, but in your heart you knew that people didn't look at you as a someone…more like a something. You knew people thought you were heartless, emotionless, and just plain rude. You wished people would give you a chance. You sighed before trying to get dressed but you were much bigger than Vantas and so you tried but you didn't want to rip them. You wrapped a towel around your waist and headed back to his room.

"They don't fit." You said, he looked back at you and blushed dark red.

"Uh.. m-maybe…" you sighed before giving him your clothes.

"Could you please dry these?" You asked as he nodded and took the clothes from you. You were upset, you couldn't even put on your boxers, you just had to wait for your clothes to dry now; you sat down in his desk chair. You put your hands in your lap and leaned back before putting your head back. You tried your best not to think about what you saw earlier with Aradia and Captor, she kissed him, just like she kissed you. You thought you were special.

"It should be done soon…" Vantas mumbled as he reentered, not looking at you. You groaned shifting in the chair, looking at him for a moment. He was in his bed and under his covers, his laptop on his lap. He was blushing again and you couldn't understand why, was it hot in his room or something, if it was why did he have his cover on him? He looked at you and you quickly looked away. "Can i ask what happened?" He asked as you looked at him again. You did not want to talk about it yet but you felt like you should tell him. You didn't know, you couldn't place any of your feelings right now. You were upset that you now knew that she did not truly like you but at the same time you didn't feel that bad, at least you knew the truth. You remember when Vantas arrived at the park you felt a little better, you thought it was only because you knew someone other than Nepeta would come and check up on you; even in the rain.

"I-I saw her kiss Captor," you stated, your voice covered in emotion. He frowned as you looked down. You can't believe the sentence could even come out of your mouth, you felt even worse after saying it. How could you be so stupid? You wish you never went to that stupid party. You half wanted to hate Nepeta for inviting you to it, but you couldn't hate her. She was your best friend, your only friend, for that matter... why weren't you with her now? Now that you think about it, why were you here? You barely knew this teen and you were at his house, in a towel. What were you thinking? You reached for your phone that had been lying on his desk and realized you had a ton of messages from Nepeta, she was worried sick about you, you could not believe you worried your best friend. You looked up at him and noticed that he giving you another pair of his sweat pants, he must have found another pair.

"I"m sorry, but uh, you can sleep in these, I'll go check on your clothes," he said, soon leaving the room. You quickly put them on. It felt nice to be wearing something on your bottom half, you were happy they fit. You texted Nepeta back, still standing in the middle of his messy room, telling her everything that had happen tonight; she said she was going to talk to Aradia whether you liked it or not.

You were mostly dry now and you sat on his bed, you told Nepeta that you didn't want her to bother Aradia and that you could handle it, she wanted to help and you thanked her for that. She said she was still going to talk to her, you sighed and told her fine. Once that was out of the way, she asked why you were at Vantas' house. You didn't know what to say.


	8. Chapter 7

You do not remember falling asleep, but you woke up and saw that it was one. You sighed and went back to cuddling into the small figure you were holding. You were tired and you wanted to head back to sleep but somehow your thoughts kept invading your mind. You remember where you were first. You were at Vantas' house, in his bed… cuddling him. You cannot understand why you were here, he holds no value to you and you obviously dont like him. He just… kissed you, thats all. He just happen to kiss you with his soft lips and slip his tongue in, you remember tasting metallica and you thought it was a bit odd but then again at the moment you were just trying to get away. You remember that thinking about this still makes your pants tight, even in sweatpants you knew you would still prob at his rear without any intentions to anything. You must stop replaying that memory.

You can't even remember how you two got like this but somehow you had wrapped your arms around him and started to spoon him. You didn't know which was worse the fact that this feels right or the fact that you weren't with Nepeta. Every time something went wrong you would talk to her and consult your life away and she would be there for you, now you didn't know what to think because… this… this felt better. You couldn't describe how this felt better or what made it better but something about holding the small teen and feeling his chest rise and fall was relaxing. You knew how you felt, you knew that Aradia wasn't in love like you were, you knew you shouldn't be here but… somehow that all didn't matter. You felt at peace. You kind of felt better. maybe it was simply because you knew someone else cared about you. Nepeta was a great friend yes, but sometimes you felt like you were annoying her. You sighed, you could hear his soft snores.

You never thought it would be him though, maybe Maryam or Makara, they seemed nice and looked like they could help you with your problems. You pulled him closer, why him? You felt like you had had this thought go through your head a million times but it was a very good question. Why him?

Could it be fate?

No, there is no such thing, if there was you would at least have one friend during the rough years. You still haven't told Nepeta about those days. You don't like talking about them, you are afraid that you will remind her of why she can leave and then she will. You pulled away a bit, thinking it would be better if you two weren't touching; although he whined and he tried to scoot back into your hold.

"C-come back," he mumbled as you slowly wrapped your arms around him again, a silent hum came out of his mouth, he almost sounded happy that you did so. You sighed as you held him a bit tighter than before.

Although... maybe you were just here because you were trying to run away from your responsibilities

It was indeed a fact that you were here because you were rejected, your heart felt ripped out and as if that wasn't enough you still had to talk to Aradia so she could stomp on the broken pieces. You didn't know how that would go and you really wish it that it wouldn't have to happen.

And you were running away from crying with Nepeta about how much this hurt because saying was understatement. A girl broke heart your heart but that small statement can't describe how hard it is not to step on the broken pieces, the lovely memories, the taste of their lips, the fights. A statement can't describe emotion well enough for people to understand how hard it is to say 'you look great.'

Everyone goes through heartbreak, but sometimes there are more broken pieces than expected.

But you knew that it would be better if you talked to Aradia now, it had to happen, something is tell you that it's the right thing to do. That things would be better after it. You found it strange that you had such a philosophy, but you were now just hoping for the best.

And she was pretty rude for what she did, she could have at least told you it was over or anything. You felt so stupid. You decided that this was the best time to get it out of the way, you grabbed your phone and started dialing her number, You didn't want Karkat.. you mean Vantas, stir so you stayed cuddling him, awkwardly calling her.

"Hello?" She asked as you let out a shaky sigh.

"It's Equius."

"Oh. do you need something?" She was blunt and to the point, you frowned. You knew it was over and you felt horrible about it but you'd think she wouldn't be like this, correct?

"I saw you today with Captor," you told her quietly, you didn't want to wake Vantas. He seemed so peaceful… almost cute.

"So?" She was so cold now, how had you fallen for this girl?

"I thought you liked me."

"After you pushed me, i thought we decided that it would be better not to date or talk or whatever we were doing," she stated it like it didn't matter. You were hurt even more. How could you not understand what had happened during your last call; you were so stupid.

"I must have not understood properly, sorry." You tried your very hardest not to have your voice crack as you spoke with her.

"It's fine" There was an awkward pause before Karkat stirred a bit and looked over at you, you could tell he was still asleep.

"Babe, who's that?" You blushed, Vantas called you babe.

"Who was that?" Aradia asked as you looked at Karkat as he cuddling up more to you.

"I-it's Vantas," You said, nervousness in your voice.

"Why is he calling you 'babe'?" She asked, sternness in hers.

"He is asleep, probably dreaming of his crush," You suggested, "I should probably go to sleep"

"Yeah, night." She hung up and you put your phone back on the table next to the bed. You looked at him and sighed. You were confused why he called you a name like that, he wasn't interested in you, why would he? You thought about asking but he would probably just tell you that it was nothing, just a dream. That was probably all it was. Probably.

Although.. why were you hoping for more? It's silly to think that he liked you and it was silly to even think that you two would be a good idea, it would most likely be a bad idea. The only thing that concerned you more than this was why you were having such a hard time calling him Vantas… were you thinking of him as your friend now?


	9. Chapter 8

You woke up with the small teen ontop of you, his hips by yours, shaking you violently. He could barely move you, and actually, it was funny. You would have laughed if your bladder wasn't full… shoot. Your bladder was full.

"Please get off of me," you asked, sweating a bit. he sat down on your hips, you could feel your boner hit the back of his ass.

"Why should I?" He asked as you groaned quietly before flipping the situation and pinned him, he looked you in the eyes and it was the first time you realized you weren't wearing your shades. He could see your light blue eyes, a very good reason you were called girly. You had icey light eyes that were more common on a girl than someone like you. You swallowed before getting off of him and getting your shades; you headed to the bathroom. You knew you thought of him as a friend but now this friendship was now, he was going to make fun of you; everyone did. Nepeta didn't even know what your eye color was, you were so over protective about it that when Nepeta got curious about it you brought colored contacts; brown. She never saw them, but you still wanted to be sure that she didn't leave because of them. You looked at yourself in the mirror before looking down at your sweatpants, you did not want to think about the boner in your pants. You waited few minutes before you urinated. You washed your hands before putting on your shades and leaving the bathroom. You went back into his room, he hadn't moved. still in the same position you left him in, as if, paralyzed, his face was red and you were confused on why.

"Where are my clothes?" You were still shirtless and it was getting a bit uncomfortable. You preferred a shirt, it wasn't like there was something wrong with your body. It was actually very impressive and you were proud of how strong you were. Although there was a side effect of how people looked at you, everyone was always amazed at how fit you were, it was like your body existed but you yourself didn't. No one ever believed you when you told them you were in high school and if they did, they asked what you taught.

"Huh?" He sat up and looked at you, he was still red in the face and he seemed in a daze. Strange, he seemed like one of those people who knew exactly what they were doing at all times.

"Where are my clothes?"

"Oh," he blinked a few times before looking at you and then looking away. he pointed to the chair. "They're right there." you put on your button up shirt, you decided to keep the sweat pants and return them at a later date.

"I will be going now," You stated and he looked at you, frowning. You held the rest of your clothes in your hand and looked at him for a moment more, he looked sad. You didn't understand this guy at all, you were surprised he even let you say here.

"I guess i'll see you in school then," He mumbled as you walked to the bedside table and got your phone, two messages from Nepeta. She was probably updating you another ship or... maybe she had a problem, you hoped it was a ship. You couldn't handle a problem right now.

You sighed and slipped your phone in your pocket. "Thank you for the help." You then left. You were a bit sad for some reason, maybe you did think of his as a friend. Maybe you should start calling him by his first name. For some reason even thinking about it made your heart skip a beat. Strange, this wasn't something that use to happen.

"Equius!" Karkat yelled but it was different for once, he seem quieter in his yell, calmer and his voice softer. His cheeks had tint of pink on them, he was shy at this moment, unlike him but yet him. His hair was a mess from running down the stairs, in the distance you could see his brother scowling at him.

"Vantas what are-" he cut you off.

"I really like your eyes, they are the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. I dont think you should hide them," he said and for a moment you couldn't breath. Your lungs said goodbye to the air and you were hot but you weren't sweating for once. You knew you looked shocked and you didn't even know what say. Your heart was fast and ready for something, anything but your body was powerless, paralyzed almost. You swallowed. It felt like the world had stopped, like all of this, you and Karkat Vantas, the small word exchanged, was the only thing that was happening.

You could not believe it, you were the strongest person in the school but yet right now you couldn't even move and… you were… happy. You couldn't understand why, it was just a compliment, nothing more. _Oh, but it felt like so much more._ It felt like heaven to know that someone liked the worst part of you, the part that made cry some nights, the part you that you thought no one could love. It felt so much more than wonderful. And that's the moment you knew that you and Karkat Vantas were never going to be friends.


	10. Chapter 9

It had been a week since you last talked to Karkat or since you've seen him. You remember that moment so clearly, your heart still flutters. Your face went red every time you thought of him and you couldn't help but smile. You didn't know exactly what to think of him yet but you knew it was positive.

You have been avoiding Nepeta as well, you wanted to know exactly how you felt before speaking to her. She won't stop messaging you and you are worried if you don't answer sometimes that she will leave. She is so beautiful and you feel she deserves so much more and you have told her this but she told you that she couldn't ask for a better friend. You always felt better when she told you these things. And now thinking about it, you were being and feeling like a bad friend.

Horruss would come in and check up on you every once and awhile, you liked having him as your brother, even if he was inappropriate at times. He had his boyfriend over yesterday, he was nice. Although after he left, Horuss was grounded. You dad didn't take well to homosexual pairs, you didn't understand why; there was nothing wrong with intercourse with a male. You sighed after everything went down and decided that it would be better to keep your feelings about males a secret. At least you still liked girls unlike Horrus.

You have been home thinking, maybe for way too long but maybe just enough, you really couldn't tell. You haven't stopped thinking about Karkat, you were happy though. You had another friend… yes, he was your friend, nothing more. Friends make you smile and laugh and they give you compliments and make you feel better about yourself, he was your friend. You felt better knowing this, you knew now that you didn't have to avoid Nepeta now. You could message Vantas too, Everything was going well. You smiled to yourself before pestering Nepeta.

CT: D - Nepeta.  
AC: :33 oh. equius.  
CT: D - I realized that I have made friends with your crush, Karkat.  
AC: :33 why? he is a jerk.  
CT: D - What?  
AC: :33 i told him how i felt and…  
CT: D - And?  
AC: :33 he said that he doesn't feel the same.  
CT: D → Oh.

You should be upset, right? You should be angry that he didn't take the opportunity to date such a lovely girl. You should be upset with him because he gave up a once in a lifetime change with a ball of lovely cat energy that will make you feel better on your bad days and make the good ones rememberable. And most definitely you should feel sad because Nepeta is heart broken. Your small delicate flower has now lost some of its beautiful petals, it's been stepped on, smashed, ruined. You should have felt horrible.

But instead for some reason you had a small smile on your face and let out a small giggle before you looked at her next message.You didn't know why but you were happy Karkat didn't like her.

AC: :33 why haven't you been talking to me?  
CT: D - A lot has been going on with Horuss  
AC: :33 so much that you couldn't just say hi? it feels like you've been avoiding me.  
CT: D - Well…  
AC: :33 no what? i'm tired i don't wanna hear it.

You sighed, deciding that tomorrow would be when you two would hang out and talk and cry about everything that happened, that was if you could get this smile off your face. It was strange, you told her to get over him and now she really had to; you guess this was just because you knew you were right. You weren't going to tell her that but still. You were just happy she was over the small boy or at least getting there.

You could understand how it would be hard to get over Karkat, he was attractive and sweet (at times) and you didn't really know. It was just something about him. His hair suited him and he had lovely eyes and he was there for you when you needed him. He didn't seem to make things awkward or even made you feel uncomfortable, he was nice to you. He made you feel like you mattered. You felt better with him you didn't know why. it was just, better there. And it wasn't like you weren't attracted to him in more ways than one. You had thought about doing a few inappropriate things to him, but mostly you thought about kiss him; you were curious about what he tasted like. You also liked the way his name rolled off your tongue, Karkat. It sounded right when you said it, like it was meant for you to say.

...What were you thinking? You didn't like this boy. Your best friend did, he just broke her heart. Yes, she might be upset but at least it was the truth; he was honest with her. So it's okay.

But this isn't okay, why are you defending him? It's not okay that he broke her little heart, she has loved him for a long time and he should at least give her a chance. He should at least give you a chance. You mean, Nepeta. he should give Nepeta a chance. He doesn't need to give you a chance you didn't like him. You should tell him to give her a chance. You decided to message him.

CT: D- Karkat.  
CG: HEY ASSHOLE  
CG: WAIT  
CT: D- What?  
CG: YOU CALLED ME BY MY FIRST NAME  
CT: D- Is that a problem?  
CG: WELL NO, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW YOU THOUGHT OF ME AS YOUR FRIEND  
CT: D- Oh.  
CG: WHAT'S UP, EQUIUS?

You could feel your face heat up, you didn't think he would notice, and he corrected himself too. He didn't call you the "A" word. He was sweet. Wait, stop. You were here for a reason. He needed to give Nepeta a chance.

CT: D - Give Nepeta a chance.  
CG: WHAT?  
CT: D - Give her a chance. You haven't even gone on a date with her yet.  
CG: I'LL GO ON A DATE WITH HER IF IT'S A DOUBLE DATE.  
CT: D - With who?  
CG: YOU AND GAMZEE.  
CT: D - The druggie?  
CG: YEAH.  
CT: D - Fine.  
CG: TOMORROW AT FIVE, GAMZEE WILL PICK THE BOTH OF YOU UP AT SIX. PLEASE BE AT THE SAME SPOT.  
CT: D - We will be at my house.  
CG: I'LL TALK TO HER THEN.  
CT: D - Don't tell her I told you to do this.  
CG: I WON'T.  
CT: D - Thank you.  
CT: D - I'll see you tomorrow.


	11. Chapter 10

Nepeta came over the day before and slept over. She was very excited for the date, she kept smiling. You were happy that she didn't question why he gave her a chance, then everything would have went wrong; she would never forgive you. She wore a flowy green and blue top and short shorts, she had sandals on as well. You wore your normal entire, shorts, a tank top and the hope that you wouldn't sweat too much. You waited on your steps for him.

"This is amazing," she paused. "I never thought I would actually get to go on a date with Karkitty," you smiled at her. She looked so pretty and you were lucky Karkat agreed to this, you would really have to thank him after the date. He was so sweet.

"Does he like that nickname?" You asked as she slowly frowned.

"No, but he kind of became okay with it." She explained as you nodded, you made sure to keep a note of that so in private you could call him it, if he gives you a permission of course. You didn't want to insult him, that's just rude. "Sort of," she said, there was a little sadness in her voice like she really wanted to have him love it. Like she wanted him to love her. You sighed and looked in front as they pulled up, they stopped the car and got out. The didn't look too bad, Gamzee seemed to had run a brush through his hair for once and he looked… nice? You didn't really care, you didn't really want this but you needed to do it for Nepeta.

"Hello," you said politely as you stood to greet them both, you thought a handshake would be proper but as you extended your arm, Gamzee forced you into a hug; it wasn't too horrible until he wouldn't let go and you wanted to get away from him. You didn' think that this date was going well but you could hope. You looked over at Nepeta and Karkat and frowned a bit, he was hugging her. You suppose it was good that he was hugging her, _although you wanted that._

"Alright motherfuckers, let's hit the shack," Gamzee said before you started to follow him, Karkat and Nepeta behind you. Gamzee got in the driver's seat and you sat in shotgun as the cute couple got in the back. _You hoped they didn't work out_ , Nepeta could do better. Gamzee started the care and lit a cigarette as he drove off, smoking as if it couldn't wait. You wanted to take it away from him but you knew that doing that might make you crash and you did not want to see Nepeta get hurt. You sighed and looked ahead, watching the road. He wasn't that bad of a driver, you were happy about that. You have expected him to be bad with all the drugs he took, you felt kind of bad for him; there had to be a reason he was like this. He seemed like a good kid, he was tall and handsome and he had a nice smile but somehow, you knew he wasn't for you. _You felt like you already met the love of your life._

He pulled into this diner, you had seen before but never went into although you always thought of going to it. It was just a little diner that you would pass on the way to school but never really bother with it, you didn't know why but you just didn't go to it. You didn't have time sometimes.

By the time you got into the diner Gamzee already had his arm around you and you could hear Nepeta giggling and smiling and having a good time. _You weren't really enjoying it, you didn't like how Karkat was having a good time when he wasn't even talking to you;_ You didn't know why. Gamzee smelled of alcohol and you really wanted to tell him that this was unpleasing for yourself but yet you held back your discomfort and tried your best to have a good time for Nepeta. Karkat got the four of you a booth and had it so you had to sit next to Gamzee. He was across from you in the inside of the booth. You sighed before leaning against the corner and letting the tall lanky boy lean on you, he kept himself cuddled up to you, your hands held together; you felt so awkward. You looked over at Karkat and Nepeta, they didn't seem to be having such a bad time. They weren't like you and Gamzee though, they were probably holding hands under the table and they were smiling and talking to each other while you and Gamzee where… cuddling? You would hope not, this wasn't fun.

"Hello, I will be your server for today; how may I help you?" A waitress greeted the table as Gamzee nuzzled his face into the nook of your neck.

"We'll have a coke," He gestured to him and Nepeta. "Gamzee will have a fucking beer and-" Karkat pointed to Gamzee when he said it and soon pointed to you.

"Milk, I'll have some milk." You cut him off, you did not want him to give you something you wouldn't have. You couldn't waste it like that, you would feel rude. He raised a brow at you before brushing it off.

"Motherfucker, you are so comfortable," He giggled a bit on you and you just nodded, You didn't understand why he was doing this. Couldn't you two sit like Karkat and Nepeta, that looked more comfortable than this. You really didn't want him touching you. You wanted to be able to sit up straight and calmly talk to him and not get all this _anxiety_. Shoot, you didn't want this at all now. You tried to stay calm as he talked to you, you didn't want to do this, you did want this, _maybe if it was with Karkat_ but. But this was a bit too much, your hand was sweaty and you were sweaty and you were sticky and gross and salty and you hated yourself. You hated your gross sticky sweaty self and you wanted this date to be over.

After that point, you forced yourself to not be able to remember that date, the only detail you left with yourself is that Nepeta had a good time, you hoped she got a second date with him. She needed someone in her life who could make her really happy, happier than you could. You know that she wouldn't talk to you as much anymore but it wasn't important, she needed to be as happy as she could. He could do that for her. You wanted to make sure that this would work, you messaged him.

CT: D - Hello Karkat  
CG: HEY EQUIUS

You still smiled when he called you that.

CT: D - How are you?  
CG: I'M NOT FUCKING BAD, YOU?  
CT: D - I'm fine.  
CG: THAT'S GOOD?  
CT: D - For the most part yes.  
CT: D - Anyway, did you enjoy the date?  
CG: NO  
CT: D - Why not?  
CG: BECAUSE I STILL DON'T LIKE HER.  
CT: D - But you seemed happy with her on the date  
CG: SORRY?  
CT: D - I don't understand.  
CG: HOW CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?  
CT: D - You seemed like you liked her.  
CG: NOPE.  
CT: D - Why not?  
CG: BECAUSE I LIKE YOU.  
CT: D - What?  
CG: YOU HEARD ME  
CT: D - I like you too, Karkat.  
CG: YOU DO?  
CT: D - Yes, as my friend.  
CT: D - ...Are we not talking about our friendship?  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD, ARE YOU STUPID?  
CT: D - Excuse me?  
CG: I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, EQUIUS.  
CG: I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.  
CG: I WANT TO BE WITH YOU WHEN YOU ARE SAD.  
CG: I WANT TO BE THE REASON YOU SMILE.  
CG: I WANT TO WAKE UP EVERYDAY NEXT TO YOU.  
CG: I WANT TO GO TO BED EVERY NIGHT NEXT TO YOU.  
CG: I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.  
CG: I LOVE YOU.  
CG: DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW?

 _Oh._


	12. Chapter 11

You honestly didn't know how to feel about this. How were you suppose to feel about this? He loved you, and you do not think you ever thought about him like that. Why would you? He just your friend. But he could be more, wait no stop. he couldn't be more. Nepeta liked him, you could like the same kid. You mean you couldn't. Uhh…. You decided it would be smart to message him back.

CT:D - Yes I think I do.  
CG: FUCKING FINALLY.  
CG: I DID NOT FUCKING THINK THAT YOU WOULD ACTUALLY GET THAT I HAD FEELINGS FOR YOU  
CG: WE HAVE BEEN TALKING FOR AT LEAST A MONTH NOW  
CG: AND I HAVE NEVER FELT BETTER.  
CG: I REALLY REALLY FEEL BETTER WITH YOU IN MY LIFE.  
CG: AND YEAH, I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME BACK BUT IF YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T  
CG: BUT YOU  
CG: YOU MAKE MY DAYS SO MUCH BETTER.  
CG: SO EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME, THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL IMPORTANT.  
CG: SORRY.  
CG: I REALLY NEEDED TO SAY THAT.  
CT: D - No, no it's fine.  
CG: ARE YOU SURE? THAT KIND WAS A LOT.  
CT: D - It's really fine.  
CT: D → Anything else you want to get off your chest?  
CG: YOUR ASS IS REALLY NICE  
CT: D - Really?  
CG: MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING SAID THAT  
CT: D - I didn't know. Thank you.  
CG: WAIT ARE YOU SERIOUS?  
CG: LIKE, EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR ASS IS THE BEST ASS IN SCHOOL  
CG: LIKE, OH MY GOD.  
CG: I'VE JERKED OFF TO THAT ASS  
CT: D - E%cuse me?  
CG: I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT  
CT: D - Can we go back to that?  
CG: LET'S NOT.  
CT: D - do other people do this too?  
CG: UM I KNOW GAMZEE DOES.  
CT: D - Really?  
CG: YEAH.  
CT: D - I didn't think my rear was that nice…  
CG: BUT IT'S SO TONED!  
CT: D - Maybe we should stop talking about this.  
CG: AM I MAKING YOU UNCOMFORTABLE?  
CT: D - You could say that  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?  
CT: D - I may be a bit aroused by our talk.  
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?  
CT: D - Yes.  
CG: OH, FUCKING WOW.  
CT: D - Hm?  
CG: I JUST DIDN'T THINK THAT YOU WOULD GET FUCKING AROUSED.  
CT: D - Oh, I see.

You stopped talking to him for a bit, you felt embarrassed and so you didn't take care of your arousement. You felt weird now, you didn't think people looked at your rear, why would they? You thought you ass was flat and disgusting and plus it was just a rear. Karkat was an odd one, you didn't understand why he would want to tell you that.

Oh, but he was in love with you too, he loved you, you blushed, someone who liked you also liked what you packed. Oh, boy. You licked your lips, he wasn't just sexualizing you, he was telling that his emotions were attracted to your personality and his eyes were on your body. You didn't think something like that could happen, but then again you said you would ignore your arousement and yet somehow your pants were undone.

You were surprised about how much you could think about him, how sexy he was. You remember when he was on top of you, his hips by yours and when he shook you, his hips moved too; it felt _hot_ to feel someone against you like that. You wanted to feel that now, you wanted him here now. He was someone you wanted, not just for now but for later and the next day and the next day, he was something good for you, you were something good for him. He was good at kissing too, the way his lips moved with yours, how he licked at your tongue, his hand in your hair, him. Just everything about him. _Oh, fuck him._

You were tired and needed to clean up. You sighed and got tissues off your desk and cleaned yourself up. You zipped up your pants and threw away the tissues. You needed that. You really needed that. when was the last time you did that? It doesn't matter. What matter is that you pleased yourself to the thought of Karkat Vantas.

CG: SORRY IF I MADE THINGS WEIRD  
CG: EQUIUS?  
CG: ARE YOU THERE?  
CT: D - Sorry, I had to do something  
CG: FOR TWENTY MINUTES?  
CT: D - Yes..  
CG: WERE YOU…?  
CT: D - Please don't tell anyone.  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
CT: D - Please.  
CG: I WON'T  
CT: D - …  
CT: D - I have to go.


	13. Chapter 12

You were so embarrassed. You did not go on your computer for three days straight because of it, how could you? _He knows._ He knew that you touched yourself to the thought of him, you didn't even hate yourself for it until he found out. It felt nice though, to have someone to- what were you saying. You needed to get your head out of the gutter. You need to turn on your computer, you had an essay you had to do over the summer. You needed to turn it on because of that, not because of any reason like you _wanted_ to talk to him. No, that's silly. Why would you want to talk to him anyway? You turned it on and decided you might as well log into pester, You probably had a message from Nepeta; you did like always, sixteen but you also had two from Karkat. You looked at Karkat's first.

CG: WAIT.  
CG: UGH, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER THAN.

You were about to look at Nepeta's messages when you saw another message pop up.

CG: I'M SORRY, EQUIUS. I DIDN'T MEAN TO SCARE YOU OF. I JUST, I REALLY REALLY LIKE YOU. I WANT EVERYTHING TO GO WELL WITH US BEING FRIENDS.  
CG: I'VE LIKED YOU FOR AWHILE AND I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL, I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO YOU UNTIL THE PARTY CAME UP.  
CG: I KNOW I DON'T SAY IT A LOT BUT YOU ARE REALLY GREAT. I'M SO HAPPY TO JUST BE YOUR FRIEND. THANK YOU FOR THAT, YOU'VE MADE MY SUMMER.  
CG: YOU ARE SO SWEET AND NICE TO ME, AND NO ONE IS EVER REALLY NICE TO ME. IT FEELS REALLY NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU NICE TO ME.  
CG: AND IF YOU ARE ASKING YOURSELF HOW ANYONE COULD EVER LIKE YOU, LET ME TELL.  
CG: YOU ARE SO HANDSOME AND STRONG AND YOU MAY BE INTIMIDATING BUT THE SECOND YOU TALK TO SOMEONE, I CAN TELL YOU THAT THEIR DAY GETS BETTER.  
CG: MINE DOES.  
CG: I'M SORRY IF I FREAKED YOU OUT, I JUST. I WANT TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING AND I GUESS AT THAT POINT I JUST STOPPED THINKING AND I WANTED YOU TO KNOW IT ALL AND THE FIRST THOUGHT I HAD WAS HOW NICE YOUR BUTT WAS.  
CG: AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BODY, I LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. YOUR PERSONALITY AND YOUR SMILE AND HOW YOU ACT AND HOW YOU ARE JUST YOU.  
CG: YOUR ASS IS JUST A BONUS.  
CG: SO PLEASE STAY MY FRIEND.  
CG: I WON'T TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO.  
CG: JUST SAY THE WORD.  
CT: D - Thank you.

You never thought someone could think about you like this, actually like you and actually make you smile and actually make you cry _but not because you were sad._ Not because you were getting made fun of or someone was talking down to you or someone was making you feel silly for your long hair or your shades or your perspiration problem or your eyes or any other reason someone could have. You were kind of happy at this moment, in tears, but happy. You honestly thought no one could love you, no one could bother with you, you had decided a long time ago that you would die alone but now you didn't feel like that would happen, like things were looking up. You wanted to see him, you needed to see him. You didn't care if Nepeta liked him, he was your friend, your best friend. you wanted to see him. You liked seeing your friends, you liked seeing him. You felt better with him here, you needed him over your house.

CG: IT'S REALLY NO PROBLEM. I JUST WANT TO STAY FRIENDS WITH YOU.  
CT: D - I want that as well.  
CG: REALLY?  
CT: D - Yes, you make me feel better.  
CG: DON'T SAY THAT.  
CG: YOU'LL MAKE ME BLUSH  
CT: D - Oh, I see.  
CT: D - Well since I am already making you blush. You have a cute smile.  
CG: NO, FUCKING STOP.  
CT: D - But it's true. It's cuter than Nepeta's smile.

 _You cannot believe you just said that._

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M CHANGING THE SUBJECT  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU UP TODAY?  
CT: D - Nothing interesting. But I was wondering something.  
CT: D - Are you free?  
CG: TOMORROW I AM  
CT: D - Would you like to come over?  
CG: SURE.  
CT: D - is two o'clock fine?  
CG: YEAH, THAT SOUNDS FINE.

You were very excited about tomorrow, you wanted to see him today but just seeing him soon made your heart pound and your feelings flutter. You really could kiss him, you really wanted to. He was this little teenager that made you feel like a kid again, like you could be yourself. You loved that about him. You loved how he made you feel, you loved him.

You loved him. You loved Karkat Vantas.


	14. Chapter 13

You are Karkat Vantas; loud, obnoxious, and almost always yelling. Although lately it's been different, your friends don't have to tell you to shut up as much anymore. You don't want to admit it but that big lump of sweat makes your heart flutter and your mind go crazy. You don't know how on earth you got to talk to him, how you worked up the courage all these years to tell Nepeta to bring him to the party. You've liked him for too long, at least you think that, it started in third grade. You made fun of him with Eridan and you didn't think you would get to him but then, fuck but then, he stopped talking and he lost weight and he was quiet and strict and you watched him. You watched him turn into a funny, loving, cutie pie and into the shy, strong, stunning fellow he is now. You didn't think it would affect him, you were young and every day you regret it. You want to say that you were just young and goofing off but that's not a fucking excuse.

And Damn, Equius has barely ever left your mind, and honestly you don't even fucking care. You broke up with Terezi because it just didn't feel right, and you were right because every waking moment with Equius feels so fantastic. And you don't just fucking mean kissing him or holding his hand _but just being with him_ , you feel so comfortable. You felt happier, you didn't feel like you needed to yell or shout or _even raise your voice_ ; for once you were happy with being quiet.

But seriously, can you fucking talk about how kissing felt with him? Because. Oh. My. Fucking. God. You knew that heaven tasted like his kisses, you want to do it so much but he doesn't like you. You hated this but at least you two were friends. You wanted to kiss him so badly, sometimes it kept you up at night.

Oh wait, that's every night.

You fucking wish he liked you. Every 11;11 he is your wish, every fucking shooting star, every luck penny, every four left clover, every single day you hoped he would see something in you that he hadn't seen in you before. You wished for him.

And you know it was silly for you to wish for him so much, but it was better than forcing yourself on him and tell him everything now and making him run away with so many flirtation actions. You didn't want to lose him again. Losing him hurt, it hurt more than you expected. Not being able to talk to him or look at him or- oh god, just thinking about it brought you to tears, you couldn't lose him again, he was so much more than just a person to you. He made you better on your bad days and flat out perfect on your good ones. _You never thought you could be this happy._

You sighed, picking up your phone and checking the time, one hour before you had to go to his house. Your heart was racing and if you thought about it for too long you would burst out into a giggle fit; this wasn't just another crush. He felt like so much more than a crush, _he felt like a happy ending_. You know it sounded cheesy but you couldn't help it, he made you happy and it's been awhile since you've even thought about happiness.

He made you feel like you could do anything.

And it wasn't just do anything, fail and then hate yourself like you normally did. This time you didn't care if you failed or not, at least you tried. And this time you thought there was a chance that you could win and who cares if you didn't; you were having fun. You haven't had fun in a while. You missed this. You were having fun now too, he had invited you over and even though you were nervous, you knew something good would happen; You just had a feeling.

Like today, you had a good feeling about today, because today was the first time you would go over Equius' house. You were so excited, you had your brother drive you; you were that excited. The whole *FUCKING* ride over he talked about how you needed to be safe and that you didn't know this person too well and you needed to be careful you kept groaning and you wanted to punch him, at the stops you did. You had to admit you were blushing horribly and you really wished he would just stopped, Kankri drove you up a wall and you were pretty sure that he only did it to piss people off.

Once he stopped the car in front of his house, you just stared at it, you were so nervous. It was such a nice house, almost as nice as Gamzee's, you didn't think it would so nice. What did he think of your house? Jesus fucking christ. He probably left so early because of your house. You felt so fucking stupid he is probably only friends with you because he pitted you. Fuck, now you weren't nervous. He probably wanted to show you what a real fucking house looked like. You sighed and got out of the car, slowly walking to the door. He opened it before you even got there, he was smiling.

What if he wanted you here for other reasons? What if he actually like you as a friend and this wasn't him being an ass? Fuck, now you were thinking about what Kankri was saying. Okay, maybe it wasn't all because of what Kankri say, maybe you were blushing from his cute smile. Fucking god, you were so fucking stupid. Why were you like this? He was a sweaty gross asshole and he didn't even talk to unless you talked to him first (most of the *FUCKING* time). Although yet you were here in front of his house, blushing horribly and wanting to die or kiss him maybe you don't know.

"Is something wrong?" He asked, he voice was deep and it was intimidating and you get scared sometimes when he said certain things. You always wanted to talk to him but you were also afraid he might hate what you say. You didn't want to lose him as a friend.

"No." You said as looked at him. He was wearing his tank top and it really showed off his muscles and you just wanted to touch them, like, all the fucking time. How was he this fit? He was only in high school. He had the nicest legs too, like holy fuck, if you ever saw him in his boxers you would probably faint. Shit, him in boxers. Tight boxers.

Wait, fuck, shit. Stop thinking about him in boxers, you don't care if they would fit his ass so perfectly that you would just have to touch it; he was right in front of you and he could probably see your boner arise.

"You stop walking." Fuck, you now realized that you were standing halfway up his driveway, blushing hard enough that your face was red. You needed to calm down. You were only going over his house, probably going to play some video games and talk or maybe you were just going to run away because then he wouldn't have to deal with your shit self.

No, you needed to stay. You started to walk up to him, your face still red and your pants still tight. you fucking hated yourself. "Hey Equius," you said giving him a small grumpy smile, you don't know why you were grumpy now, maybe it was because you couldn't take care of your pants issue.

"Hello Karkat," Holy shit, your heart fluttered at the sound of him saying your name. You *HATED* your name but him saying it made it better. It wasn't so bad if he was saying it; you didn't know what it was but it sounded right coming out of his mouth. It probably sounded really fucking hot as a moan. Fuck, stop thinking about that stuff, you wouldn't have a good time if You looked up at him and noticed he was blushing. Why the fuck would he be blushing? He was cute when he was blushing. Who were you kidding, he was always cute.

"How are you,"you asked as you looked at him. His hair was pulled back into a ponytail and holy fucking shit. you can't even describe how cute this big muscle horse freak is, you just wanna kiss him all over. This kid. You couldn't be happier with him, wait you fucking could; you wish you could call him yours.

"I'm good," he took your hand in his and dragged you inside; you tried your best to close his door for him. You stared at him as he took you down a flight of stairs, he looked relaxed and calmer than his normal self. You could really tell he was calm because his palm wasn't sweating. there is a fucking first for everything.

"What are we doing?" you asked as you made it to the end of his stairs, you looked at his pale wall in front of you before looking to the rest of the room, he had a small tv on a table, a closet off to the side that a line with the bed, weights and work out things that you could never fucking use because you are so fucking weak that babies are strong than you by the stairs taking a small amount of room in little bit over average size room, there was posters all over the wall, some of My Little Pony and others of just horses, and then you noticed the most important thing. Right the fuck behind the closet was a bed. A big bed for him, that could probably eat you alive; part of you was actually scared that could happen. The bed was made, it had dark blue sheets on top and to cover the mattress it had light blue sheets, it was cute.

But more importantly you were in his bedroom. This did not help your boner.

"I figured we could talk,"he said as you raised a brow at him before he lead you to the bed, sitting down and letting go of your hand and removing his shades. You slowly sat down next to him and stared at him. This wasn't like him, what was he doing? He looked at you and smile and you could hardly breathe, he took your breath away. His light eyes shined like a misty sky on a cold winter day as a clouded passed and the sun was slowly showing itself; it gave you chills. You never thought you could see his eyes again. You never thought he would let you either.

Then his smile, whoa, his teeth were so straight and white and you didn't even know that he had straight teeth… although one or two was chipped, somehow it suit him. You liked his smile. You really like him, he made you happy and calm and quieter and you felt more like yourself with him.

You really really loved him.

"Karkat?" He asked as you looked at him a bit, blush covering your dazed face. Fuck, how long had you been thinking about the perfect boy in front of you. God damnit. You were so stupid.

"What?"

"Why are you so red?" You stared at him for a moment before trying to think about what to tell him. You couldn't tell him that he was thinking about pressing yourself against him and make him feel things he can only dream of… You didn't know if you could actually do it but you would fucking try. You fucking felt like your pants were about to explode, you needed to leave and just take care of yourself, then you could be around this sexy beast. For now though, you could talk about Kankri.

"Well…" You sighed, trying to calm down, "fucking my brother Kankri was bitching to me in the car about how i don't fucking know you." You turned towards him more and looked him in the eyes as you talked to him. He was smiling at you, like he was happy you were here. "He thinks that just because you have only been over my house once and it was a small amount of time that i couldn't have learned everything about you to make a decision if you are good for me or not." He had this look in his eyes when he talked to you, like he was happy to hear you talk to him about this, about your brother. Or maybe he was happy you were just here, you knew he didn't have a lot of friends but like it can't be that bad right? Fucking he probably had some, you hoped. "Like seriously, I think I know you fucking well enough." Although it seemed like something different, like, he wants you. You didn't know, you were probably just crazy (and honestly you can't put it into words). "I think i fucking know you pretty well but yet that doesn't stop him from fucking lecturing me about how he knows i'm fucking gay so he starts tell me how I should-" oh.

You stopped talking, you couldn't say anymore actually because well.

He kiss you.


	15. Chapter 14

You are Equius Zahhak and you were rushing to clean your room because in two hours Karkat was coming over. You decided that you two were going to hang out in your room, it was big and it did have a T.V. you thought this would be fine. It wasn't like you had lewd poster up on the walls… you would have to take those down. You guess it was for the best. Your dad wanted you to do it awhile ago anyway, only now you were doing it for a boy. You mean a friend, hehe (Shh)

Fiddlesticks, you were nervous. You haven't had someone new over in… forever. You hoped he like your house, Nepeta when she first came over thought that you were rich. You weren't but yet you also weren't poor; it was a bit of difficult at times when your mom left your family. Your dad then put his mind on his work and got a promotion and kept himself busy.

You don't remember your mom though. There are pictures up of her upstairs in the attic, your dad won't put them up; he won't let you look at them either. You know that your eyes came from her, your brother and father don't have this light of a half wish it wasn't like this. You dad won't talk about what happen, you remember it was in fourth grade when it happened.

You were having a bad day and it got worse when you came home, Ampora had told you that you would die alone and no one would ever love you and this time it hurt, you hit him. You punched him in the face and you didn't want to stop. You got suspended and wasn't allowed back in the school for a few months, the teachers had to bring you your work and everyday they told you, "you were lucky."

Anyway, you got home and had to tell your parents but as you entered the house, it felt different like sadness had leaked into the air. It wasn't cold but it was the fact that something felt missing and you couldn't help but feel like you were suppose to cry when you entered. You slowly walked into your living room and saw your dad sitting on the couch, staring at the note left on the table in front of him. He was sad. His energy was off and dule and if felt like you had to be sad because he was sad.

"Dad?" You asked as you put your bag down. Where was mom? Why wasn't she comforting her husband? She did it yesterday, what was different today? What was so bad she couldn't be here?

"She left.." your dad mumbled and you stared at him. Maybe… maybe he meant that she went to get milk from the store.

Oh, gods…. she left.

You felt like crying at something that felt so unreal, why. why would she leave? What happen? What he do to make her leave or was it you? Oh, gods. It had to be you. Who would want a fat, ugly, sweaty kid? She was probably ashamed to even have you. You didn't know what to do. you were feeling, feeling so much and you just didn't know how to put it into words. You just felt like… it was pointless to talk about something that felt so unreal. The only thing you really felt like saying was, why? Why now? What could have happened? You didn't think you could feel like this again. how could she? How could she? How could she do this to your family?

A year after she left you had gotten a butler name Author, he helped out where your mom did and you felt a bit better with someone else here, you would come home everyday and he would greet you with a cookie until you told him to give you something healthier. You still wonder why she left, but you were just happy you weren't sad about it anymore… well you thought so, it wasn't until you wiped your eyes you realized this still made you a bit sad. It was your mother, you wish she hadn't left.

You sighed, you started taking down those posters. You left some up, ones of just horses and My Little Pony. You made your bed and made sure nothing inappropriate was out, you didn't want him to think that something was going to happen… (maybe you wanted something to happen but your dad). He would kill you. You felt so risky just having him come over.

More importantly though, the boy who makes your heart flutters was coming over in less than fifteen minutes. You never thought you would have someone like him over your house, you felt a bit risky. A month ago you didn't even know you were ga- into men and now you feel like you need to tell him. You wanted to. You felt like you needed to confess your love for him, you probably were going to tell him today. You wanted to be with him. You wanted to be with that cute little ball of fun, you loved him so much. You wanted to kiss him and hug him and show him so much that he was what you wanted at the moment. You needed him right now.

You went upstairs and waited for him there, you saw his car out front and watching as he got out of the car, he looked at your house for a moment and you smiled. You liked him so much, he had a small frame unlike you and he had a big mouth (both ways, he could say a lot and his mouth was a little over average. You liked that, you really really liked that, you figured it would come in handy later). He started towards your house and you couldn't help but smile. He was just amazing... until he stopped walking. You opened the door then, he stared at you almost dazed; you could tell he was thinking, maybe he was regretting his decision to come, you hoped not.

"Is something wrong?" You asked, blushing a bit. You could see his boner arise and you hoped you wouldn't pop, if that happened it would be much embarrassing for the two of you. It's really noticeable, you mean really noticeable. One time you had Nepeta over and you randomly popped, she knew right away. She offered to help you but you denied her, she said it was no big deal but for you having anyone near you private part was a big deal for you.

"No." He stated as you looked him over again and again and again, you sometimes loved the factor that you wear shades. You were ready to lick your lips but he couldn't know that you checking him out, wait why couldn't he? Why did he stop walking towards you?

"You stop walking." You frowned as you said it, you didnt want him to feel like he had to be here, what if he didn't even want to be here? What if all he wanted was to just leave or get this over with? Maybe he was only here because he knew you didn't have friends. Maybe- oh thank god he started walking. Equius calm down, you needed to calm down. He loves you, he wanted to be with you. Did he? You knew he loved you but maybe it wasn't real love, maybe he only loved you online and now that he was here maybe he realized that you aren't right for him. Oh shoot, you were overreacting. He loves you and you loved him, you took a deep breath and started to relax.

"Hey Equius," he was smiling, that always relaxed you. He was so cute, you loved him so much. He may have looked a bit grumpy but you wanted to just hug him, although… you were sweaty and gross. He probably didn't want to touch you. He may have said he loved you but no one wanted to touch someone with sweaty palms, which was strange since right now you didn't have sweaty palms. Actually you were barely sweating.

"Hello Karkat," You said smiling softly as you tried to hid your anxiety, you hoped he didn't mind. He was just so handsome and honestly, you felt lucky to have him. You had this cute little guy standing in front of you like you are his world and you can't help but feel special. You had someone who was there for you during your first break up and he let you stay with him even though he barely knew you. You were so happy to have him around, have him here. You were so happy that he would even talk to you. Oh, Karkat Vantas meant too much to you; you suppose it wasn't good to love him this much, you might lose him or hurt him… you couldn't live with yourself if you hurt him. You knew you could and that made your stomach feel twisted. You didn't want to feel twisted because you love Karkat, you really really loved Karkat.

"How are you?" He asked.

"I'm good," You said before throwing caution to the wind and taking his hand, pulling him inside and rushing downstairs into your room. you were excited and he looked so loveable, His hair kept getting in his face and you wanted to push it aside but you knew that that was out of place, you couldn't just touch him like that; he wasn't yours.

Oh right, maybe you should ask him out.

"What are we doing? He asked as you made it into your room, you hoped he didn't mind your room. It was a bit odd and you really didn't want him to think you were weird. Maybe you shouldn't have brought him into your room.

"I figured we could talk," you said as you sat down and remember how he liked your eyes. You thought since you two were alone, and he hadn't judged you before hand that, just this one, he could see your shame. You didn't understand why he liked them, their wasn't anything to like about them. You sometimes wanted to wear your contacts because it would mean that you wouldn't have to wear your shades and looked at weirdly, you knew people would still do it but at least it wasn't because of your shades. You knew that you would always be weird and almost always disgusting to people.

You were staring at Karkat too, while all of this thoughts started to happen and you realized that he was blushing again, why this time? why was he blushing before? wait a minute were you smiling? You blushed a bit... is that why he was blushing? That would be flattering, maybe you should ask.

"Karkat?"

"What?" He asked as he locked eyes with you, he had lovely eyes. His expression was reading over yours as you smiled a bit wider, he was cute with everything he did. You didn't understand how someone who you haven't even know a year was so important to you. You didn't let Nepeta become close to you until a few months but yet you have only known him a little over month.

"Why are you so red?" You wanted to know if your smile really did make his cheek flushed

"Well…" He sighed, and you barely heard what he said; you felt a bit bad for not knowing what he was saying but you couldn't really help it, your mind was lost in the sound of his voice, it was one of the sounds that made you wonder why you haven't heard it before, why was this noise kept from you? You loved it. You loved the sound of Karkat's voice, it was as if only his voice could make you feel something. Yes, all of him could too but if you had to choose you what you had to listen to for the rest of your life, it would be his voice. Although right now you wanted something different, you could go without his voice for a moment because before you could even think that this was a bad idea,

So, you kissed him.


	16. Chapter 15

You wanted to say it stopped with that kiss but as soon as he kissed back you were all over him. At first it was just kissing over and over again but he licked at your lips and you gasped, enjoying his eagerness. And then his tongue was in your mouth, tangled in yours. You remembered the party and how he tasted then, it was the same taste of metallica and you felt shivers run down you spin before wanting more of him. You pulled away for a moment and just looked at him, he was blushing hard and you pushed him down on the bed, soon climbing on top of him. You could tell he was shocked that you were doing this and leading him down on the bed but yet you didn't care, you knew you should probably tell him that you loved him too but you didn't care right now. _You wanted him._

"E-equius?" He was quiet now, whispering almost and he looked you up and down before meeting your eyes again, you couldn't help yourself. He just looked so… _fuckable._ You kissed him again, this time you were the eager one. You liked him under you too, you liked him a little scared. You licked at his tongue and rolled your hips against him making sure he knew that you wanted him as much as he did. He moaned softly. You stopped when you heard him.

"Karkat?" you asked, raising a brow at him.

"S-shut up," he kept blushing but looked away from you. You licked your lips.

"Can I hear that again?" You blushed at the thought of hearing his soft moan again. You wanted to please him, you wanted to make him feel like he was on top of the world, you knew he could do great things. And right now you wanted to do great things to him. You wanted to roll your hips against him over and over again but you wanted to make sure he was okay with all of this.

He was staring up at you now, his face keeping a lovely shade of red as you bit your lip. He shifted a bit until you felt his legs wrap around your waist. You swallowed a bit, you could feel yourself start to sweat. You two were close and you mean very close, you could feel the heat come off of his pants and you are pretty sure he could feel your heat too. You were aroused now and you hated it, you two hadn't even done much but yet your pants were tight. "I don't care," he said as you rolled his hips again this time keeping a small pace letting him really feel what you were packing. You slowly moved to kiss at his neck, his breath hitched and you smirked.

"D-do you like this?" you asked him before sucking softly on small spot behind his ear. you felt his hands find the back of your neck and pull at a small amount of hair, hips started to move with yours.

"D-don't fucking stop," He mumbled, panting slowly letting out quiet moans. You really liked this, you almost didn't hear your dad enter your room and come down the stairs.

Oh wait, you didn't hear him. The only thing you did hear was him yelling as you jumped away from Karkat. That killed your arousement, and killed your hopes of ever being with Karkat. You swallowed hard as he yelled at you, completely ignoring Karkat; you didn't even glance at him. You couldn't, you were scared.

"Get the fuck up stairs," your dad said, "and tell your faggot friend goodbye." You felt heartbroken that this was how it would end. Your dad left upstairs and you moved to grab your shades. You slide them on your face and only then you looked at him. He was scared and so were you but this wasn't the first time you heard your dad yell about something like this. He swallowed and stared at you.

"A-are you okay?" he asked as you looked at him for a moment longer, you didn't allow yourself to show any expression instead you just looked at him and memorized him now. You knew it would be a long time before you could see him, you would miss him.

"You heard him, you should go." You stated, your voice cold and icey. You watched him frown and you wished that it didn't have to be like this.

"I'm not leaving until I know you are okay."

"I'm fine," You said.

"Please talk to me, this isn't you. I know you, I love you. I can't just go knowing that he is going to yell at you because of me. Please just calm down a little and hug me." He said, worry in his voice. You didn't want to hurt him but sadly it wasn't your choice right now. You would regret this when school started, you hoped you didn't see him.

"Vantas, stop acting childish and get out of my house," You said, your voice cold and filled with hatred.

"No!" He yelled, you were a bit scared. What if he hit you? No… no he wouldn't do that. He loved you, you don't hit the people you love. Although what about your father? No, Karkat wouldn't hit you.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm not going to let you hurt in silence and just hold it all in. I may not be Nepeta but I sure as hell know that you need a friend right the fuck now," He fussed and he was loud but he was so concerned that you wanted to listen to him. You wish you could. "Please don't go upstairs."

"I'm sorry." You mumbled as you started towards the stairs. You didn't want to go upstairs, he could hurt you. He might as well, you disappointed him. You shouldn't have had him over. You wish things were different, you really wished things were different. You wanted to be with Karkat. You stopped for a moment, you would miss him. So you did one thing that you really needed right now, a hug.

You hugged Karkat and you kissed his forehead, you couldn't be mean to him. You wanted to yell and shout at him for not leaving because you didn't want your father to hurt him; you didn't know if he would. You felt him wrap his arms around your neck and you held him a bit closer, you snuggled into him, his head in the nook of your neck and you sighed in his ear. You wished you could be with him, he was all that you wanted. You wanted to be with him mostly, he made you feel more like yourself. You kissed a small spot on his neck.

"I love you," he mumbled into your neck as he pulled you closer. You swallowed softly and blushed. You didn't have to think about it.

"I love you too," you pulled away slightly and kissed him softly. He kissed back slowly before you pulled away and went up stairs.


	17. Chapter 16

School, you didn't want to be here already and it was only homeroom. You felt so awkward in homeroom, nothing to do but socialize and you didn't do that. You didn't have friends. Your last name was Zahhak and your only friend was Nepeta and her last name began with an 'L'. You wished you could change your homeroom and talk to her all day but you knew that she probably wouldn't talk to you, she had more important friends. She always had more important friends… well she told you that she didn't and that she really did think of you as her best friend; you were always happy when she said that. You knew that you should stop doubting that but sometimes it was hard for you not to think about because if you didn't think about her then you had to think about… him.

Karkat.

You wanted to spend every weekend with Nepeta, she made you feel better about what happened over the summer. You didn't like think about what happen too much. You told her that you liked him and that your dad freaked out on you, it took sometime though since you didn't have you phone or your laptop and you weren't allowed out of the house. She visited after a day or two, she was mad you weren't talking to her and then you explain that your father had found that you like Karkat. She frowned and was a bit quiet but she comforted you. You told her you were sorry and that you weren't going to see him again, you couldn't but you didn't tell her that. That would just be awkward and you just want to restore your friendship with her. And maybe with him too but that would take time, you would have to stop thinking about him like that.

You didn't like your homeroom even more now since Karkat walked in, you two made eye contact for a small second. You remembered your heated moment with him and you quickly look away. he didn't come over to your seat. You two didn't sit far from each other but it was awkward now, you two were talking and now... your heart still raced at the thought of him and you.

You hoped he still loved you but yet at the same point you knew it wouldn't matter. You couldn't be with him, and you hated your father for it. you wanted to be with him so badly. you almost wanted him to go against him. You should... but it's been a month and you are unsure if you still love him. Did he? Did you? Oh dear, this kind had your head in so much pain.

After you had to stop talking to him, everything went bad. It felt like without him, your life went wrong. As if he made your life better, you don't just mean yourself. It felt like the sun was brighter and the days was better and the universe was happier; you knew you were happier. You don't think you could ever be happy like this. Most of your life you felt as if you didn't deserve happiness but he made you feel different.

He made you smile.

You needed to stop smiling right now, he was in here and you were sure he was looking at you. You sighed before pulling a book out of your bag, maybe that would get your mind off of it. You need to stop thinking of him, he probably didn't love you anymore. It's been a month, you have had a month to get over him and so has he; why did you still like him? You sighed and rested your head in your book. You wanted everything to go back to normal, back to when the only person you knew was Nepeta and you got to admire Aradia from a distance and there was nothing you could do to upset your family. You didn't like being bisexaul.. or whatever you were.

What were you? You actually didn't know your sexuality. You guess you did like girls, you knew you enjoyed what you did with Aradia. You wanted say you liked boys too but… not until you're eighteen, when you can get out of the house.

Yes, you did like Karkat, you aren't sure if you still love him but… you won't commit to a guy anytime soon. You are only sixteen and you are sure he is not the love of your life, he couldn't be. You barely knew him. Although, you loved him. You must have known him enough to love him… you didn't even know his favorite color. You sighed again and waited for the bell. You just wanted to get out of here, get away from him (in a way). You wished things were like last year, things were so much easier. You lifted your head from your book and noticed Karkat in front of you, You blushed.

"Are you just going to ignore me," he asked as you just stared blankly at him; what were you to say? That you miss him or that you wanted to hold his hand right now or that his eyes were still pretty even sad. You swallowed. How were you suppose to tell him you couldn't see him anymore? How could you tell him that his smile was still perfect, that his smile has always been perfect? How could you… how could you… "I get it if you don't want me anymore, like i don't even know why you liked me at all. I probably just annoyed you when I use to talk to you." He slowly started to look down and you tried to stay quiet, "like i don't even know why you would talk to me, you must have something better to do than deal with a shit face like-"

"Don't you call yourself that and don't you dare use that kind of language around me," you said as you frowned at him but he quickly looked up as when he heard your voice, his eyes were watering and you bit your lip. You grabbed his hand and with the other your stroked his cheek.


	18. Chapter 17

"W-what are you doing?" he asked as he looked down again and you couldn't help yourself. You couldn't convince yourself that you weren't in love with him, you could barely even look at him like this.

"I'm sorry," You mumbled softly. You rubbed your eyes before looked at him. "My dad is against all this… and i just." You stopped, you didn't want to think about being gay or bisexaul or whatever you were. You sighed and moved your hands to his'.

"Equius…"

"K-karkat, I won't lie to you. i dont think this will work. It have a lot to do with my dad and i have a hard time dealing with whatever sexuality i am and i just don't think you want that. i want the best for you, you deserve someone who will be there for you, i can't be. My father isn't okay with all of this and i can't go against him, not now anyway, maybe one day in the future far from this day but i wouldn't count on it. I'm sorry. I know that us maybe what you want but this can't be what I want, I know i have a certain life i must live and," you took a deep and shaky breath " it can't be with you" as you said that the teacher started to talk, telling Karkat to go back to his seat. You were doing the right thing… right?

You were protecting him, you were sure of it.

And that's what you thought about for the next three months, you weren't leaving him you were simply protecting him. You know that it wouldn't work out if you two were together, you guys weren't right for each other. And plus it wasn't something to do since Nepeta liked him… at least you think she still did, she didn't talk about him anymore or look at him anymore but there would be moments where she would stop and just not really be her. You knew she liked him and you knew that it was something that was going to take her time and you promised her that you were going to be there for that time.

You thought it was going to be easy, you didn't have class with him before so you would almost never see him. You knew you wanted to see him and you knew you wanted to check up on him all the time but you needed to stay away. He needed to get over you to get better and it would be better for you too. And that's how you thought it would go, until you walked into three of your classes and he was already sitting in the back row looking as if the world was against him. You felt so bad.

You felt so bad…

You didn't sit near him at all, you tried your best not to talk to him or talk at all because you didn't want him to miss you. You wanted him to hate you and you wish that he could but even you couldn't. You felt so bad about everything that had happened and you wanted to just forget it all, forget him a little too. Maybe if you forgot him everything would be better and you could both move on with your life. You wanted to move on with your life, these past months had been hell for you. You missed him so much that some days you cried yourself to sleep but you wouldn't tell him that, you wouldn't tell anyone. You sounded pathetic.

You were pathetic in a way. You felt like it at least, you couldn't stand up to your father about how you felt and you were to scared to even talk to Karkat now. Three months later and still you barely said two words to him, you felt bad because you loved him and at a point he did too but you ruined it. You ruined everything, but that was common for you. You were too strong and too much for people, you ruined potential friendships. You were too sweaty, you couldn't try clothes on in a store unless you wanted to buy them and you mean you were 100% sure you wanted them.

You were probably too much for your mom too. Too fat, too needy, too sweaty. You were probably why she left, you are sure of it. You made her leave, your mom didn't like you, didn't want you. You didn't even want you. You felt horrible for everything you ever did to anyone, you knew that these people were better without you. Karkat was probably better without you.

You…

You needed to stop thinking about all of this, you can't keep crying yourself sleep.


	19. Chapter 18

You were having Nepeta over this weekend and you really needed, you two haven't hung out as much since… what happened. You were waiting in your room, the Xbox set up to play her favorite game. You could hear your dad let her in and them talk for a moment or two, you would wait. They talked for longer than you expected, she normally doesn't talk to him; she says he is creepy and she wasn't really okay with that and sometimes she would catch him staring at her. You could hear your father left out a loud frustrated huff, he was louder now as he talked to her. She made him mad. She soon headed down stairs.

"I'm not playing that game," she said immediately, you frowned.

"Why not?" You asked, you really wanted to play it with her.

"Thats your favorite game," You scrunched your eyebrows together before looking over at the screen. Oh, she was right. You were a horrible friend. "And plus we are going on a walk," She said as she started to get your boots out of your closet along with socks, pants, a shirt, shades… you haven't gone out much. You had been sitting in your sweatpants for two days now, you didn't regret it, it was only the weekend and normal Nepeta won't yell at you for doing things like this. You took the clothes from her and started to get dressed, you didn't mind changing in front of her, she was a long time friend.

"Equius?" She asked after a long pause between conversation. You two had been walking of quite a bit and you didn't mind, you were sweating before the walk started.

"Yes?"

"Are you ever gonna talk to Karkat again?" You stopped when you heard the question you never thought she'd bring him up. Why would she bring him up you were basically taking the person she loved from her; you didn't understand what was going on. And why bring him up now too and has been three months, three weeks, a day, and a little bit over an hour. You don't know if you actually will ever get to talk to him again. You don't know what happen if you even thought about Karkat again like that, you dad would be so angry.

What happens if you do talk to him again? what happens... then?

Maybe... maybe you'll get to kiss him, maybe even hold him tight when he is scared, hold his hand in yours. Laugh with him again, hear his voice, kiss his lips...kiss his lips, you wanted to kiss him again.

"Equius?" Your eyes widened behind your shades as you slowly moved your gaze to Nepeta. You didn't realize you zoned out or even got caught up in your thoughts.

"I'm sorry," You stated as you started to walk again, but she didn't. "Nepeta, this isn't my house we need to keep going," you turned around to look at her and see her staring at the house in front of you both.

"You two seemed so happy with each other," She paused, you were going to say something to her but she soon spoke again. "Like i've known Karkitty for years and i've never him smile at someone like that, and I want to think that i can do that but i can't and i don't want to see him like this anymore, i want him to be happy" She sighed.

"Nepeta.."

"Please don't act like I'm not going to get over this, even if it takes me a while. He was my first love and that's going to be hard for me but what's going to be harder to see is how unhappy you are without you him. You are my best friend Equius, you have been there for me when no one else was and even in times when i didn't even think i needed anyone. You always wanted the best for me and now i want the best for you… and he seems to be it."

"That's very sweet of you, Nepeta but it's not that simple." You sighed and started to walk again, you figured if you started walking then she will drop it. You would hope but you knew that wasn't like Nepeta, she wanted to show you what you were missing. She always did this when she felt like you were doing the wrong thing but this is different, you were protecting him.

"Then make it simple because neither of you are getting better," she yelled and you stopped, lowing your head.

"I dont want to talk about this anymore."

"Equius…"

"im going to head home," you turn around and start home. She didn't follow you this time, she knew when you would drop a conversation that you really were upset by all of it. This only happened on certain things and you were sure that at one point you would be ready to talk about them but not anytime soon. This was just how you were. This is how you always were, she just understood to give you space.

You would hope but you knew that wasn't like Nepeta, she wanted to show you what you were missing. She always did this when she felt like you were doing the wrong thing but this is different, you were protecting him.


	20. Chapter 19

It was two in the morning on a school night and you couldn't stop thinking about what Nepeta had said. You knew you should be asleep, you had three big test tomorrow that you needed to pass, and you knew that if you didn't sleep now you would fail at least one of them.

But yet, you were still awake and still thinking about how Nepeta said he was unhappy and how he wasn't getting better. You tried to keep your head from thinking about him but the thought of him kept you up at night, and he wasn't any better. You thought after four months things would be different but apparently not, for the both of you. You turned on your computer.

CT:D - Hello

...You didn't know why you sent that, what do you even say after this? That you made a mistake and that you still love him?... is that bad to say?

CG: WHAT THE FUCK?

He answered you, oh there must have been cocoons hatching in your stomach. You missed him so much, you were so happy at least know he would answer you.

CG: IS THIS SOME FUCKING JOKE?  
CG: BECAUSE I SWEAR EQUIUS  
CT: D - No, it's not.  
CT: D - I can't sleep and I wanted to talk to you.  
CG: REALLY? YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME?  
CT: D- Yes…  
CG: WHY NOW?  
CG: WHY AFTER ***FOUR FUCKING MONTHS*** YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME NOW?  
CT: D - uh…

Be honestly, maybe this is your way of becoming friends with him again and talk to him again. Yes, you understood that you would never be able to be with him again, you wouldn't take the chance but just hearing his voice would be nice and seeing how he is doing would be nice. Being with him would be nice, you wish things could change. Maybe in another life.

CG: I'M WAITING ASSHOLE  
CT: D - Nepeta said you were unhappy.  
CG: I'M NOT FUCKING UNHAPPY  
CT: D - Oh, well.  
CG: WELL WHAT?  
CT: D - Maybe i am  
CG: HOW IS THAT MY PROBLEM?  
CT: D - Oh.  
CT: D - I'm sorry then, I'll leave you alone  
CT: D - I'm sorry i screwed everything up too.  
CT: D - I should have been more responsible with how i felt  
CG: EXCUSE ME?  
CG: DID YOU ACTUALLY JUST SAY THAT?  
CT: D - Yes..?  
CG: YOU DON'T FUCKING SAY THAT TO A PERSON  
CG: DON'T FUCKING ACT LIKE THIS WAS ALL YOUR FAULT  
CG: I FUCKING LOVED YOU  
CG: I LOVED YOU FOR A REALLY FUCKING LONG TIME  
CG: I NEVER FELL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU  
CG: I…  
CG: THE POINT IS, YOU DON'T TELL SOMEONE THAT YOU SHOULDN'T OF CARED ABOUT THEM LIKE THAT  
CG: GOD, WHY DID I EVER LOVE YOU  
CT: D - I understand now.

Maybe it would be better if you didn't talk to him again, he didn't love you anymore and maybe this was your sign to move on. He was right, why would he ever love you. You are surprised he ever did, you were sweaty and gross and you couldn't even stand up for yourself. You were hopeless. You still loved him and it hurt to hear him say things like this but you deserved it, you hurt him more than you could hurt anyone else.

Why did he make you so weak, too? You use to be able to hurt people with change of your tone but now you weren't anything strong. He make you weak, and yet he made you strong. He wasn't making you better right now though.

CT: D - You don't have answer this.  
CT: D - But I miss you  
CT: D - I know you said you don't love me anymore and that's okay because it's not like we could be together anyway, but maybe we could friends.  
CT: D - But only if you want to.  
CG: SURE, WHY THE FUCK NOT.  
CT: D - Really?  
CG: I GUESS, I DIDN'T HATE BEING YOUR FRIEND.  
CT: D - Thank you.

you could sleep in peace.


	21. Chapter 20

Prom. You told Nepeta that you would take her, if that was okay with that with her; she told you that she already had your tuxedo ready. She was getting ready at her house and was meeting you soon, your dad kept making comments about how your "gay phase" was over; you held back your comments. You straightened your tie and checked yourself out for the last time, Nepeta had picked out a nice fitting tux with a navy blue tie. You didn't hate it.

You checked your phone and noticed that Nepeta texted you saying she was almost here, you knew that this wouldn't be the best night but for Nepeta you would try. She was your best friend.

You looked over at your dad and then the door, an uncomfortable silence feel over the two you and it felt like Nepeta was taking hours to come. Your dad opened his mouth to say something before closing it, you could tell he wasn't very happy with you since the incident. You didn't think talking would help it. Soon Nepeta come through the door in with a cute little curls and wired black cat ears, her dress was a strapless navy blue, it was very puffy at the bottom and the underlayer was a dark green; her heels matched her dark green.

"Okay! All we have to do is take pictures and then we can get our dance on!" she said in her normal squeaky voice, you nodded. The two of you took pictures and you felt uncomfortable but you wouldn't say it, you weren't very fond of having your picture taken.

When you two arrive at the party, there were already a lot of people there and it made you a little nervous, you don't really go to these things and your collar felt tight. You didn't really know what to do, but you kept with Nepeta; she would go around her other friends. It was only Kanaya, Feferi, Eridan, and Sollux. You felt really awkward being around all of them, you don't talk to them normally; only when you had to do a project with them or something. You didn't actually say anything to them or anyone other than Nepeta. You felt so uncomfortable.

"Hey Kk is finally fucking here," Sollux said as you turned to look at the entrance, _holy shit._

 _Holy shit_ , Karkat looked amazing, no, no, no he looked better than amazing. There wasn't even a word for how good he look, you can't believe that such beauty exist. Oh man, why did you ever let your dad come between you two? He was the handsomest man in the room and you couldn't help but stare, honestly it felt like you two were the only people in the entire Gymnasium. You palms felt sweatier than usual and your heart was racing, your mouth felt like a desert. There were no words for how you felt about him and how he looked.

"Kk, get your ass over here!" Sollux called him over as you swallowed and quickly grabbed Nepeta's hand. She looked up at you and smiled, you were so nervous. You two had started talking about three months and it felt like magic, you were so happy talking to him again and it felt just like before, maybe even better. You didn't know if he liked you or not but that's okay because you still wouldn't be able to be with him.

You missed him.

You wouldn't tell him that, not again. You felt like he wouldn't care, he would break up your friendship with him and never look at you again. The friendship between you two seemed to be the other thing that kept you going through this horrible mess, you got to talk to him more and more and you kept learning new things about him and he just made you so happy. Sometimes he would even sit with you at lunch and Nepeta always told you afterwards that you looked like the happiest man alive, it was only two months since you two became friends but it elt like forever.

"You're okay, Equius," Nepeta told you but you couldn't help but be a little afraid for everything that could happen, he could leave you. You couldn't breath with the thought of that.

"Hey asshole," You heard Karkat greet you, you smiled at him.

"Hello Vantas," You said as you tried to hold back your excitement for him. It was so nice to see him, you were hopeless for him.

"You look nice," He said; checking you out almost, you licked your lips. He was so sexy and handsome and you can't believe he liked you at one point in time.

"Please, i'm nothing compared to you," you stated as he blushed a bit.

"Oh," He looked away. Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say to him. Maybe you should apologize…

"I'm sorry," You frowned as you looked down at your shoes, You were silly to say that.

"Fuckass, are you going to be sorry for everything?" He looked back at you with a tint of red on his cheeks, he tried to hold back his smile.

"Are you blushing?" You asked him, he stared at you shocked as his entire face went red.

"Why the fuck would i be blushing?" He put his hands on his waist and turned his full attention to you, you were now blushing too. "Oh and look at you! You're fucking blushing too!" You swallowed and looked away from him as you started to sweat a bit.

"W-well…" He smirked and took a step closer to you.

"Well what, big shot?" You looked down at him and cracked an awkward smile. He raised his fist and extended his pointer finger, "Are you going to answer me, big shot?" He started to poke your chest in a demanding matter, you were sweating a little bit more now. Your friends had all move to the dance floor and you were thinking that maybe you should join them.

"M-maybe we should go to our friends…" You said in a nervous tone.

"Why? Are you nervous to be alone with me?" His tone was so calm and sexy, it made your face turn completely red, just the thought of being alone with him drove you crazy. You didn't like thinking about it for a long time or else you would get… aroused, you didn't want that to happen here, with him. You licked your lips and tried to keep your mind off of kissing him or touching him or how he felt against you. "Equius?" Karkat raised a brow at you, you swallowed hard and mumbled something about having to the bathroom. Fiddlesticks, you were only around fifteen minutes into this dance and you already had a boner. You quickly went into the bathroom.


	22. Chapter 21

Once you got into the bathroom, you splashed some water on your face and look in the mirror. You were a hot mess around Karkat. You need to control yourself, you needed to get over your little crush on him. You were so weak around him, you needed to strengthen yourself around him. You huffed, and adjusted yourself trying your best to just think about anything other than Karkat… but for some reason your mind went back to the day he came over, the way your body ached for his and how his did the same. How his mouth tasted like heaven and you were sure that gays were sent there because nothing that sweet could be an abolishment. You couldn't help but wonder what it was like to see him undressed and on your bed, lying there, waiting for you… to… You had it bad for Karkat Vantas.

Although you had it worse with your hand still touching your crotch, you were proper at least, your hand wasn't in your pants just over it. This… wouldn't be so bad, you just had to go into a stall and maybe relieve yourself, that wouldn't be so bad. You were going to undo your pants first though, they were tight and you needed to breath. You quickly undid your pants, you let out a deep sigh. You didn't mind the cold air hitting your member. You didn't even mind your hot hand just brushing the tip, you didn't even mind the door being opened.

"Oh shit! Sorry," Karkat said as he looked away, covering his eyes. You quickly pulled your hand away. When did he get in here? Why weren't you more careful? Who touches themselves while at the bathroom sink? Wait… what do you do now? You're fully exposed, you can't even say that you were fully adjusting yourself since your hand is around you member. Your hand is around your member while Karkat is in the room. Your hand and Karkat. Why must your mind wander in such a state, now you can't stop thinking about Karkat and sex… okay it's not like it ever left your mind but still, this is not the time to have precum coming out of your member.

"Karkat!" You quickly covered your was a disaster,you were a disaster. You should have went into a stall and then undid your pants, why weren't you smart? Oh right, Karkat made you weak. Karkat made you want to touch yourself in public, you got lost in the thought of him.

"Uh, I just wanted to, sorry…" He said slowly before uncovering his eyes and looking you up and down. "I should be… nicer… to… uh.. you" He mumbled the last part and he stared at your hands, he licked his lips. His own pants seemed to be getting tighter

"I'm fine." You shifted uncomfortably, he wasn't leaving; maybe you should do up your pants and go, but you were still here… Why did it feel like leaving would be the wrong thing to do right now? Were you caught up in a moment? Was this a moment? How were you suppose to tell?

What was he doing to you? Before him, you knew exactly how your life was going to be but now? You wanted to kiss him, sit in a room with him and just be there, you wanted to know him, all of him. When did you start questioning everything? When did he become your everything? When did you start getting lost in his eyes? When did you start wanting him more than before? When did time start to form your love? Or maybe that was when you started to count how many freckles he had? Stop. You could deal with these things later.

"Equius, just let me help you and then we can just get back to the stupid ass dance." You didn't know what this would mean in your friendship.

"I don't know…"

"Look it will be much quicker," he started towards you. You started walking backwards until you hit the wall. You were sweating again… what are you talking about? You never stopped sweater.

"Karkat, what would this mean?" You asked him but he didn't answer you, He just took you into a stall and slowly moved your hands away, you watched as he did. His breath hitched, when you looked at your member, but he didn't say anything. You didn't say anything, you couldn't remember how to speak even.

"It just means that I'm going to give you a blow job," he stated as he moved his hand around your member, you jerked a bit; you gasped. You expected the touch but you also didn't. This was new, very new. You licked your lips, you watched as he slowly dragged his tongue over the surface, just to get the precum; you shivered. You didn't expect that, hell, you didn't expect this.

"Karkat…" He dragged his eyes away from your member for a moment, he looked sad but excited, you probably held the same expression. You wanted this to be a different scenario, you wanted to be dating him, you wanted to be his date, you wanted him to love you again. "You really don't have to do this," You mentioned again, he slowly moved closer to you though, his own boner pressed up against your leg. Your eyes widened at the feeling, your eyes leaving his gaze and leading to his lips.

"You taste nice," you barely heard him say it but… you wanted to hear it again. You didn't think this would ever happen to you, or that you would go to a dance, or that you would want to hear something like that, or that it would be Karkat. You couldn't believe it was Karkat. He was sitting right in front of you, a hand on your member.

"Oh my…" this was a nice sight, this was one of those things you couldn't get out of your head… or he could keep himself off your head, his mouth licking at your tip slowly. You moved your hand into his hair, just watching him, just wanting him.

"You're still nervous around me, huh?" he wasn't wrong, your hand was shaking in his hair, your mind was going crazy as you watch him. You loved him but he didn't love you and you were a wreck knowing that.

Time passed and you couldn't believe that that was your first blowjob.


End file.
